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unhinged
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cultivate_patience
pain dissolves my patience. i am having a hard time lifting my arm to my mouth to eat. i can't sleep. i can't do yoga. i can't carry groceries AND my violin home at the same time so i have to plan out my shopping to not coincide with bringing my instrument home from work. i can barely play twinkle twinkle little star let alone tchaikovsky and brahms, the music i really want to be playing.
i felt like i was getting somewhere with him. not 'with him' but with myself because of him. then he walked out on me because of his own shit, and my patience cracked from the weight of being abandoned and MY pride and fear got in the way. i was pissed when he called; i was pissed when he didn't call.
i can't meditate because all i do is cry. i lit some incense and sat down on the cushion and in a few breaths i was bawling. my clothes, my skin, felt suffocating.
i can't do this alone. i can't question my entire livelihood, i can't not be able to express my passion, i can't not be able to do what i love and be all alone. i_need_more_hugs and i can't expect the people in my life to know that without telling them.
i_need_you
come_back
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100424
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