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this_is_not_who_i_am
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hsg
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rock_bottom
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091201
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... |
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In_Bloom
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An afterthought
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091202
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... |
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minnesota_chris
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I used to be fun and full of life. Who is this sleepy crab that sits in my office chair?
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091202
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... |
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Lemon_Soda
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Hear, hear Chris.
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091203
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... |
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minnesota_chris
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this nonsense of working/sleeping/working/sleeping is giving me a kind of dry rot
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091230
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... |
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hsg
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drink_more_water
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091231
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... |
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(fake name)
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I've been off for two weeks for Christmas. As the time away from work is winding down, I find myself not refreshed, not mildly sad that the time is coming to an end, but flat filled with dread.
I don't want to go back. There's nothing for me there except for the soul_sucking daily grind into dust for, frankly, not much of a paycheck.
I hate my job, but I'm coming to realize that it's not this job I hate, it's every job I've ever had... this is not who I am. This is who I'm trying to be because it is what others have expected of me, and I've been plugging along at this same bullshit for over two decades because I've just assumed that those expectations were valid.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I want to do something that matters. I want to claw open my chest and pour out my soul for everyone to see. I want to say something powerful. I want to build something beautiful. Or hideous. Or both. I want to leave a mark on the world.
Marks aren't left from cubicles. This is not who I am.
I don't want your conformity. I don't want your Monday through Friday. I don't want your punctual 8 to 5 schedule. I don't want your files and forms. This is not who I am.
I don't want you as a boss. I don't want you as an employee. I don't want you as a coworker. This is not who I am.
I want to be free of all of these things that feel as anchors on my feet, albatross around my neck, before I am completely dead inside. I want to pluck your dead eyes from their sockets so that something alive can take their place, so you can see the world is more than this.
This is not who I am.
But I'm not sure how to be someone else, and I'm scared.
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091231
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... |
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Lemon_Soda
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And every time I think about just standing up and walking out, I think about everyone in my life who matters to me and all I see are disapproving eyes. Eyes with gazes like nails, bolting me to my office chair yet again. Because this is the way the world works and if I want any sort of place in it outside of an insane asylum or a shack secluded in the mountains I better play ball.
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091231
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... |
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ergo
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Drop the ball and shack up with yourself.
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091231
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... |
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Yeslek
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here i am: school, work, sleep, school, work, sleep.... there i was: hitch-hiking, bumming change and going wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted.. i was free but now i'm not. It breaks my heart but i gotta get an education, just to make my mother happy. just a few more months. This is such a long winter.
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091231
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unhinged
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and that is not who you are
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110113
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