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anne-girl
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i talked to my friend for three hours about that boy, the boy i've been killing myself over for the last week, and realised that i loathe myself and am terribly self-destructive about things such as this. I found out that I assume that i'm worthless and don't deserve any boy, not at all... that I constantly attack myself internally about doing stupid things. She told me it was unhealthy, and I hadn't realised... I feel so enlightened.
i found out that i don't know why i look like a guy, and that it's just mindless stubbornness, that i'm really rather screwed up and depressed... and it's entirely my fault but Icould change.
found out that i am not the unworthy, completely useless being that i consider to be, and that my assumptions that i am an utterly base and low creature might not be true
and that this has coloured my stupid crushes on boys
I found out that i think i can be okay if i want to be... and that friends are absolutely priceless
all this wasting precious time before exams by the waterside
i am so confused, yet happy (though sombre)... i told her i felt worse, but that's not strictly true. I'll have to call her back and thank her for listening
i think i'm going to be okay
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050513
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