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knot meat
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all that remains for a second when i'm talking to her on the phone and we are both silent, are my thoughts, the objects in the room, the sudden feeling that her body must be close though it never materializes. so you picture the old nights, with the regrets or the feeling of just enough happiness to even make the regretted moments worth reliving.
we talked about a lot of things. whether or not it was right to lie about wanting something when you didn't, whether or not it was right to lie about not wanting something if you did. we came back to never being able to feel truly accepted if you were lying. it's like when andy kaufman got the role on taxi. it wasn't really what he wanted to do, but it was a milestone of success in his career, and so much money, and then everyone wants you to do it. we've all been in relationships like that.
she talked about breaking some boy's heart. but she's one of the best people i know. he must've broken his own heart. she did say he took everything too seriously. we all do, usually at the wrong times. perhaps that's why she once liked him.
we talked about happiness. i made it sound all perfect in my language and she in hers. the gist was that if happiness and dissatisfaction is looked at as a motivational force to keep us surviving in the real world, wouldn't it be a broken happiness that was overly internal and that didn't follow the rhythms of depletion, entropy and restoral, and the garnering of continuing life resources which dictate survival in this world. or in short-hand, wouldn't it be broken to be happy and not survive? we agree it always had to be external at some point, but that the human niche has always been somewhat self-regulatory and so our happiness is both internal and external wherever those lines are drawn. that is how i said it. she said it her own way and said, you just scienced it up. i wish i could say it the way she said it. it's not as if i haven't tried.
which is half of why i like her. i told her that i feel as if i've started out honest with her, and so don't feel as if anything that continues on is something i'm losing more and more. of course, it's not true. my whole body is lying everytime i see her. i wanted to whisper this entire conversation between our faces close.
what is a lie? it could be broken into just restraining yourself which seems to have kinder implications.
are we always ambivalent when we lie? we agree that for any romance to reach a certain level of satisfaction, there must be some point of honesty, whether it is recognized or not.
she asked the other reason i like her. it's because whether or not she knew the truth, i would still find her of interest to that which is true in me. perhaps she just wouldn't know as much to why i find her funny and smart and perfect.
we agreed if we weren't busy with other things to have children together at 31. i said that makes me the nerd from sixteen candles and she says there was no nerdy friend in sixteen candles. all of the molly ringwald movies mix up in my head.
she says she can't seem to escape the feeling of discomfort whenever someone loving her approaches. so she should've told the boy, i don't want to jump into this before i've understood the reasons for this discomfort which involves looking into myself away from you as it would confuse the issue. she says she didn't say this. it's better she just approximated i assume.
too much to say any other way. but it is said character may be destiny, but we don't always know everything about ourselves.
do you think you know more about you or me she asks.
i think most people tend to think more about others as that is all we don't have in the world, but they probably by default no more about themselves.
way to skirt the question.
well i think the answer affects the question. i mean i think i know more about you, but probably even my knowing about you is really knowing about me.
well we're all self-centered and arrogant she says.
i'm trying not to be, i try to...haha just me saying i try not be is me being self-centered and arrogant.
actually just saying that i'm aware that it makes me self-centered and in so doing trying to impress you with my sensitivity is self-centered
she laughs, and that's all we really want her and i.
we lie even to ourselves.
she shares a cigarette and tells me she wouldn't laugh when i smoke a cigarette like a dork.
she then gives me permission to masturbate thinking about her.
as if i needed it.
i regret not kissing you i tell her.
we talk about a lot of other things, but what i largely remember is her telling me, i regret you not kissing me.
i'd do the same again. if you were who you were. i wish you were who you were now.
she says something about i guess it's good if i wasn't ready, still at least then i was insecure in the feeling of discomfort, it's strong now.
no. it's not that i was so aware of what you were or needed. i just didn't know myself i guess.
and you had other loves.
like i said, i just didn't know myself i guess.
the phone cuts off while we talk about sex because my battery is dead.
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040811
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