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unhinged
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i've been sitting on my thoughts on this for awhile. my life seems to be too busy to delve into writing the way i used to; but i've been thinking about this.
for me, the pain of loneliness is different from the pain of rejection.
rejection is more like the pain of a tattoo. it hurts a lot when it happens but it heals pretty quickly. don't get me wrong; i've had more than enough rejection in the past year, some of it on a yo_yo rollercoaster path so i'm constantly being pushed out then pulled back in. i've cried lots of bitter tears that had a hard time coming out. but rejection doesn't leave the same deep down kind of lingering for me. although, i suppose i do hold some resentment for the people that have rejected me.
but the whole thing doesn't seem hopeless and never_ending. it's not something i think or talk to myself about. (too much) if someone rejects me, i try not to let them continue to waste my time, energy, heart.
loneliness is like the arthritis in my shoulder. it is a deep constant nagging pain that no matter what i do seems to always be there. i used to say i didn't understand why people stay in abusive relationships, that i would rather be alone.
but, turns out, i'm not so realized. i keep using the excuse that he doesn't know or mean what he does to me, but that's weak. he does. he knows he manipulates me, intentionally says hurtful things. but i would rather be with him than be alone so i forgive him. and because i'm avoidant to a pathological degree, i don't even tell him how he made me feel in the first place. i go through the stupid assinine shitty cycle over and over cause i do not want to be alone.
there is a deep lingering ache to that. chronic pain sucks.
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