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continuouse ache
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once again i wake from sleep, never dreamless. i dreamed of him again, and i wonder when or if it will ever end. i dreamed of his dark side, sometimes he could be so cruel. why is it that people are so quick to saint those who have died? forget everything negative and only retain those shining platinum memories. and why can't i forget? why am i buried beneath a mountain of regret and thunderclouds. i guess none of it really matters anyways. nothing can change the last days we spent arguing or those angry moments that will never fade from my heart. i just want to get out from under this crushing emptiness. i want to feel light, i want to walk away without a scratch from these train wrecks that i relive in my mind. rewind or skip ahead, it doesn't matter to me anymore. i just want this lead weight off my chest. i want to breathe again, move forward to the point where i can just let go of my past. it's the last things that we said that i just can't get around. sometimes i'm so keyed up i don't even understand how i ever come down. i want to make this work now, but my fears threaten to shake this all apart. the barriers around my heart are so unyielding, and it's so hard to open the doors to let you through. i want so badly just to be with you, but i'm afraid my paranoia will cause a rift between us. i'm a little rusty when it comes to love,and i hope your patience survives my tough outer layers. i've sent out messages to every god i know for help, but i wonder if my prayers are too laden with hopelessness to fly. i want to give myself over to you, give you the real love that you've so far been denied. i want to brush the dust off my wings and carry us both to the night sky. i want to see the beauty in all those celestial bodies once again, watch with childlike wonder while the heavens spin around us. i want to trust, but i don't remember how. can you keep the faith long enough to teach me all these things that i once knew, but have trouble feeling now? can you take my hand and lead me from the edge of sorrow? i want to follow you back to the land of the living, start forgiving myself for those things that i'll never be able to fix. just one kiss and the taste of your lips could baptise me, grant me redemption for a lifetime of sins. and i'll stand before you naked of all but happiness, no more emptiness, loneliness...show me the wonders i've missed, lift us to another plane of conscienceness. i feel your breath on my body; i'm tired of resisting this. i want to melt into you, and rock the stars from their lazy cradle. start an explosion that won't fade till the earth is scorched and trembling with our reckoning. all debts in heart and soul that are owed us will be paid. my heartaches can finally be laid to rest and perhaps my soul can be saved.
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050424
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