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the_end_of_a_friend
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gull
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god, i miss you.
you have no idea how much
i miss your friendship.
i miss the silly voices,
the giggling in class,
the football when it should
have been netball.
we had good times.
you lent me money to buy that cd.
you had it back as soon as we got to my house,
but that’s not the point.
the point is you lent it to me,
and i couldn’t even play it,
but you knew how much i wanted it.
i miss german most of all.
i miss the laughs we had
there and the fun.
i miss the phone calls
and the bitching
and the complaining.
when you left me,
i felt so alone.
and i hated you.
i didn’t feel as though i’d lost you,
more that she’d lost you,
that you’d left her.
i resented you for one reason:
because you left when she needed you,
and because you
left me with her
and i needed you to help me
to help her. i really did.
how could you chose her over me?
we were always closer,
we always had
more in common.
how could you side with her
after all you said about her?
it took a while for me
to start hating you
for me.
sure, i could hate you for her
but that’s quite different.
very different.
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020310
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... |
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gull
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that hurt will never go away.
i know that.
seeing you,
seeing you with them...
it was like sitting on an electrified fence
in the middle of a thunder storm.
and when you smiled at me, i hated
you even more.
i hated you for jumping a sinking ship
and leaving me to drown.
you know i can’t swim.
you‘ve always known that.
your feelings for me just died overnight?
did I kill them, or had they never
really existed?
were you pretending
to care for me? faking it all along?
or was it her?
if it was her, why did you turn on me?
i needed you then more than i’d ever
needed anyone in my life.
i didn’t tell you, but i couldn’t tell you.
how could i tell you?
would it have made a difference had i told you?
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020310
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... |
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gull
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The fact remains.
You left me. You left her.
I was so wrapped up in her,
so busy fighting her battles and trying
to prove that she wasn’t as mad
as everyone said. So busy pretending.
I didn’t even hurt for me.
I forgot how to do that.
All I could do was hurt for her
and feel for her.
Oh, how I hate myself
for that now. Now that it’s too late.
Your life took shape.
Mind didn’t.
I’m still waiting
for everything to fall into place.
You have a home, a job,
a man, a child.
I ask you, what have I got?
Nothing. I have nothing.
All I have is a degree,
and I’d trade that in
any day of the week
for love. For all that you have.
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020315
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... |
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gull
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you know, i don't even care anymore.
you might as well be dead.
in a way, you are. you died in 1994.
and i just realised
that i really don't care.
i really don't give a damn.
i don't need you.
i don't need her.
i don't need any of you.
i'm better off without you.
cheers.
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020520
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