|
re_alisma
|
a few words in my defense.
I've mostly had a Venus retrograde which can mean a lot of things. A few years back that Venus turned direct by progression. It has only complexified. Certainly not everyone even deserves to deal with a person in various stages of under-development planets of relatedness.... The certain thing is I am trying not to be a crazy person, to the extent that that's possible. So there are whole swaths of things I feel I must shun, and some of them are Venusian, so yeah, some low marks... Whatever. Forget it. You deserve better. Too complicated. The fourth house is not on a computer, anyway.
Besides, lots of females can tend to disregard or shun me away causing all sorts of negativity, something not everyone should have to deal with. My assets are I'm resourceful and I look and act pretty young. I'm moony. I don't have a sister to put me in my place. Other than that, I'm just getting by and pretending I'm improving, slowly, year by year.
Some of the complexity is this: what, am I supposed to do give up this whole family and sacrifice my only source of security? no. I simply can't afford to - my bank balance is too low, mostly in a metaphorical sense.
I made a big mistake when I declared myself sick, in a social sense. Almost by definition I can't be good enough and there are many people who actually do know me who think I should be, as they say, partnering/marrying beneath me. Since I have no way of discounting them, I won't know if they are right.... I think I'd rather be alone. I don't dislike my own company.
Just forget it. I would hit 'like'. I genuinely enjoy the jokes. But I am reserving positive judgment for something a little more tangible. I think that's the right thing to do. Say, forget it for now. Maybe there'll be another chance, maybe there won't. I'm probably not worth it. I'm generally not needed. You'd have to want to, that's the only way.
I need to work on that whole selling yourself thing. Overdoing it now because I underdid it in my youth. It IS a bit of a game, sort of. I seem to be currently working on maturifications. I dunno. I am kind of sorry that I bothered you guys, but I also know it probably wasn't helpable. It was fateful enough. I know that sometimes life cheats people to get them to grow. I also know that I signed up for good dosages of heartbreak and this will probably motivate me to snap out of it for good. I do try to represent my stronger, more successful self, but there are bigger demands that I let go. That north node says, for health and self-improvement, you absolutely positively must let go. And I consciously understand that a little too well. My health is good, and only getting better, as a result. And, you know, my resume will never be up to standards. (letting go not being a marketable asset unless you're some kind of bankruptcy lawyer.).
But hey, truly, it could be so much worse. I maximize gratitude when I can.
Here ends personal explication.
|
110515
|
