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tell_me_that_fighting_is_normal
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(either an asshole or a sensible asshole)
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oh, please please please. why can't i shut. my. fucking. mouth? i'm really hurting her, gah. how the fuck do i think that's her fault?
[my life is officially trivial. hurray!] she is right, and i am wrong. why am i tired of thinking that? why is this somehow better than panicking?
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060611
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(_)
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is it normal to be angry?
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060611
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is it about control?
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why are you angry?
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060611
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superleni
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sure, fighting is normal, but it's not good. i guess it can be ... but not between two people who love each other if one of you is getting damaged, or not enjoying it. sounds like it's hurting both of you.
so what if your life is trivial? isn't everyones'? does it worry you? why does it worry her?
i think you could make a decision not to fight. but i don't know. i don't fight in boy-girl relationships. i would end one before i would fight. which is possibly not very good either. but i think if i disagree strongly enough with someone, and we both feel passionate enough about it that we would hurt each other, then we're better off apart. not hurting each other should be paramount. unless you're trying to save them through hurting them ... tho i find that a dubious argument.
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060611
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(_)
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hi. i have no y chromosome!
besides that, i'm angry because of how i act around her. like something helpless. and then i upset her again. which! is! fantastic! so i can be mad, but i can't tell her. usually i just panic on my own. but i'm sick of that.
of course it's about control . . . i don't have any. pretty much anywhere. except myself, and i kind of suck. if i had control, i would just keep everyone safe. take care of them. and she has angels for that.
i try, call her Beautiful and tell her how lovely her poetry is. i try not to be sarcastic. i know her life is hard; she needs that much at least. but it's not enough.
sometimes i'm tired of being so gtateful. there should be more to friendships, to life, than just relief that no one is yelling. and once again i'm not being fair, but words_don't_talk like we all wish they did.
oh, yeah---i'm not attracted to her. if i was this might be easier. or it wouldn't happen. i'm just really terrified of being mad, even a little. what will happen? [there must be meaning out there, some important truth to be scared of. some people must have it in their lives. i'm not that much of i nihilist. i wish i was useful.]
i'm just tired. tired of myself. it's so hard not to hurt her. is that wrong? am i wrong?
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060611
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(_)
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**grateful
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060612
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Emptyness Alive
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in a way it is.
depends wot about
friends dont argue
friends discuss
friends fall out over the slightest word.
dont lose her
dont argue
let her use u to relieve herself
if she starts shouting let her
she'll cry coz she has nothing to fight
not herself
not u.
help her dont argue
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060612
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(_)
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[yes, i'm pathetic.] i don't think i'm really mad anymore [so FUCKING NICE of me. gosh!}. just wish she understood. but she can't, or wouldn't anyway. sigh.
now i have to stop fucking up so much and get her to trust me. without making that impossible. please.
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060612
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(_)
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and a question for the masses---just how evil is all of this?
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060612
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Emptyness Alive
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not evil. not really.
just upset
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060612
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misstree
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damage is not nice
but may be
worth the price
to use a means to an ends
if lasting change comes
with positive results
using scalpels to heal
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060612
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(_)
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[she already forgave me
always does . . . why
isn't that quite enough?]
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060612
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god
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no.
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060612
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monocla
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disagreeing and conflicting is normal
in fact fighting is normal as in it happens a lot
but as far as being healthy and happy goes, disagreement has to be approached from that cheesy sounding point of "when you do action X I feel emotion Y"
yep they were right all along
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060612
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(_)
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relief
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060612
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falling_alone
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i grew up believing that it was.
that it's normal for mommy and daddy not to sleep in the same bed.
to yell and scream, push and shove.
and now, i enter other family's homes and can't comprehend-
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061205
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