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stork daddy
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he felt as if he had lived a million lives. he felt his own soul's lineage go back and back through a hundred moderately happy lives lived at the behest of others. hadn't he already done this all? hadn't he always stopped just short of the transcendence beyond sadness or happiness? he thought about life. what was it? what made something good or evil? it all seemed pointless if you thought about it. heaven and hell as they had always been explained to him, were they really always going to be there, good souls fighting for good, bad souls falling to evil, and no progress ever occuring? always a war against degradation? it seemed a useful human myth with the amount of disorder always being fought against. was that all evil was? apathy? lack of distinctions. and yet some of the most evil things in history were the result of distinctions, moral fervor that was unforgiving. for his own part, sam felt he was too forgiving. he just couldn't hate someone for doing even the most atrocious thing. they had their reasons he assumed. and he'd heard the teenage soup for the chicken soul deal about the starfish on the beach saying, it made a difference to that one, but really, was that all good was? continuing a life that will end anyways for one more day? or just doing for someone or something what they want done? does that mean it could be good to help one person at the cost of another? where did it all end? erasure. even serving yourself seemed so neutral. you were just another organism clamoring like an infant for this and for that. it seemed there was no real atonement. to help others, to help yourself, neither seemed overly good or bad. and human success? as an artist or a scientist, it involved being known and admired by a handful of people in the world. maybe a ten minute standing ovation at some point. ten minutes, and that's for legends. think about how long people will do other things for. they'll stare at a wall for fifteen, but ten minutes of clapping for your entire body of work. who cares? perhaps the understanding, the solitary journey was really all that could be counted on.
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040528
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