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talking_with_my_father
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Doar
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i've been doing a lot of one sided talking with my dad.
looking at his pictures and just rambling about the things i wished i had been able to tell him or ask his opinion about.
i don't know if these subjects are something to be resolved or are just there....
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121205
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121207
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Doar
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I still say hey old man every time I see him smiling beside the glacier.
Even though I never smiled during any picture.
In my mind and heart I smile,
as I tell him about everything,
every little thing.
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130120
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Doar
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Dad, i think i fucked up royally, like queens and kings royally, the hushed up things that is listened to behind the walls....i think i really fucked up...
i needed her
i wanted her
she delved with me
in this first time
for me
and i have no worlds
to express
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130608
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doar
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Hey Old Man...
Quite the travel today....
up and down
seeing, sensing, and smiling...
i will have such a storey to tell you as we view the rivited bridge...
i'll smoke and rest my foot
and you can take the footage....:)
she trembled with me Dad....
i don't know how else i can say this....
i fucking loved this new experience....
and was embarressed...confused after...what should i do...what i.....
breathe
and another life lesson
breathe
breathe
Love you Dad....
always will.
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130608
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Doar
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Hey Old Man...
Quite the travel today....
up and down
seeing, sensing, and smiling...
i will have such a storey to tell you as we view the rivited bridge...
i'll smoke and rest my foot
and you can take the footage....:)
she trembled with me Dad....
i don't know how else i can say this....
i fucking loved this new experience....
and was embarressed...confused after...what should i do...what i.....
breathe
and another life lesson
breathe
breathe
Love you Dad....
always will.
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130608
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Death of a Rose
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Hey Dad,
I'm having a bad day. There was a guy who was trying to get a deck permit.
He wants to use manufactured screw piles. I told him, by our regulations and protocol, he required a P.Eng. sign off.
Specifically a current dated, signed and sealed, with site specific, letter.
He argued all he could get was am Alberta wide sign off, and since "these screw piles were being intalled all over the County" what he had should be sufficient.
I told him over and over....about 4 to 6 times that it wasn't.
I finally had to get my team lead
to talk with him.
because I think I would have snapped and slapped him to get the point across.
....
plus I think a certain someone might have invaded my mind space...
and she isn't an afterthought, she is a spreading cloud.
I want to tell her everything...from the hurt that happened...to the loneliness..
and how thankful I am that she talks with me.
i still carry you in here Dad...
i'm vacilating on selling the ride
because i don't have any real desire to ride without you.
aw fuck, i still miss you badly.
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130613
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Doar
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Hey Dad,
ok....ill shut up now...
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130613
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Doar
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hey old man, my friend,
i just told someone I adored and loved them.
her..she..."insert deity of choice here"...her....
i'm losing the singular with her...
and all i have ever known is the "me" of life. surviving, working, living.
i'm falling again upon the rocks, waiting for her to pick me up on her sojourn, polish me with her touch,
and be in the same breathe with her,
arising from each morning,
to say "mlady" anew....
.
Sorry Dad, I got distracted there....
i will wait and tell you of another day tomorrow. it might blind you, but then again, this night has blinded me.
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130617
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Death of a Rose
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Hey Old Man,
I feel like screaming out in fucking joyous rapture!
You'd like her Dad,
She is wild, reserved, caring, naughty....and so many words that i want to explore all of them in her, with her.
Much Love Dad.
I should talk more with you
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130618
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Doar
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Dad,
I'm so helpless with her,
I want her, need her...so badly.
she twists me around her
Dad, she is the "all"
She encapsulated me.
She makes me feel weak,
and she confuses me...greatly...
She says that she is in hopeless love but at times she tends to push me away..
i think i know the reasons..
but i truly don't know.
i trust her with my heart and soul and body.
i don't need another axe in the heart.
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Sorry for the sad words Dad.
She is simply...and without her...simply....Fuck...I LOVE HER.
Whats to be for us?
She is so close, whispering words and telling me that I have her and her words/heart.
And then she draws a line saying to me to pull back...
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130704
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Doar
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Hi Dad,
I find myself missing you, really badly lately.
It's coming up on your B-day, the day before from which you went from us. Your face was mangled, Mom was mangled losing you that night.
I love you Dad and I'm trying to do my best for all.
I miss talking with you.
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140323
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flowerock
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I didn't read all of this page, but I cried while reading what I did read.
I miss my father. He's still alive, we still talk... but he's in another state, neither of us can afford to visit. When I was little I visited twice a year. He worked all the time, left the house at 3am got home in time for dinner before his nightly whisky and sleeping pills to do it all again, never a day off... he said we'd go camping some time, we didn't really ever get to.
He was the first and only person to tell me he was proud of me and loved me no matter what in this life. Everyone else was so harsh, demanding, misunderstanding... "every day is a good day" he says, every day... "whether it rains or freezes I'm in the arms of Jesus" he says too. I'm not religious, but I still like to hear him say it because I know he believes it, and means it. life is what we make it, but we have to do the work and trust in the flow.
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140324
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D
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Hi Dad,
I know it's been awhile. My thoughts have been filled with my most wonderful wife. Never, ever thought I would be able to say "wife". I miss her greatly but I am still working hard, surviving and hoping.
You already know about the changes besides the marriage. Guess I felt that I should talk with you again. Mom is surviving. She has, in my mind, put all of her effort at being still here into Dana, Emily, Daylen, Landon and Leighton.
Although her and Dane have blow ups, I seem to be an outsider since you left. Viewing the happenings as abstractions or aberations. Things that will pass, given time.
I don't know what to say besides platitudes.
I better get to bed old dude.
Miss your help with all things.
Love from your Son.
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141008
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Doar
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Hey Dad.
I was told that I might have a turn on/turn off gene that would make trying to stay alive, complicated.
And I am still here waiting for my wife to join me daily/forever.
Having a hard time reconciling the wait vs needing her.
I haven't really talked with you lately. I don't know if I have come to terms about your death, or if I am losing pieces of you slowly and forgetting you.
An update on me;
The tests, apparently show that my liver is kinda fatty but healthy.
I have floating gall stones....I'm not to worry about that according to my doctor. My blood pressure is getting down to healthy levels. Glucose levels are in the norm. I'm trying very hard to stay here.
Still miss you and wish I could have learned from you about you.
I will still be working hard and trying to make you proud, as I will be working hard to love my Rhin.
Wish you could have fallen in love with her as I did.
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141016
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Death of a Rose
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Hey old man.
Been thinking about stuff and how you might have handled it/things.
Still lost but seeing way signs along the way.
Miss my love, my wife. Crossing fingers and toes, it shouldn't be long before our lips can do the 24/7.
Love you Dad. I'll see you when I see you.
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141021
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Doar
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I'm tired Dad. There has been alot going on. Quit my job, got offered another one.
Working hard and wondering hard.
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141116
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Death of a Rose
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I was rereading and going over and...
I fell in love with her again.
her love and patience in a canadian boy. I love her, she isq my lispq and all the rights that i will bringq to my love.
Three will be
and this house is yours.
Eye am always babe.
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141116
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Death of a Rose
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Hey Dad,
Don't know if you know...quit my job again...starting a new one back in private. What a life and travel it is to go back again to familiar scenes.
I still wish you and I could be working on projects, weekend warrior things.
I still miss you greatly and I'm wearing your garments, to keep you close.
Love you Dad.
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141122
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Doar
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Hi Dad.
This was my last day with the Province. Felt sad to leave people I respect.
I'm still kinda scared of the future, but I've done this many times before.
Onward and outward.
I miss having you to call for advice and pointers about whatever. Although you didn't always give me the best advice, we learned from both our mistakes.
I am sincerely hoping that my beautiful and intelligent wife will be here soon.
I feel safe with her. I want to make her happy. I want to build a home for her, whether from the existing or from new.
Much love Dad.
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141127
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Doar
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Hi Dad,
Much love.
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160211
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Doar
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I haven't talked with him as much anymore. It's not that he's slipping away from me, it's just that I'm finding ways to remember him through his music.
Still think about him alot, at times when you wish he was still around to be there for a particular moment.
Love you Dad.
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190419
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unhinged
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can be like talking to a wall
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190419
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Twitch
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My dad is absolutely thrilled that I'm not a "fuck up" despite how I was raised.
I resented him for a long time - he wasn't a great parent.
But now it's like "Shit - I get it - not everyone is made to be a parent. That doesn't make you a bad guy. Fuck it - water under the bridge
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190425
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dafremen
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The only time I talked to my father, he was in prison and tried to convince me to join in on a credit card scam with him. I declined.
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190426
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Doar
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Hey Dad,
Having a hard time lately.
I'll keep you in my head always. No matter what that means.
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200517
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Doar
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Hi Dad,
I miss your guidance in every day.
I don't know why I cannot remember every day with you.
Be good Dad.
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210424
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Nirvanic_Blind
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Hello dad. Are you quarantining? Or did you go out for cigarettes again!?
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210425
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daf
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"We are our own saviours
As we start both our hearts beating life
Into each other" - Jethro Tull
This page is so sacred. I wonder..is this what the ancients meant, when they talked about "communing with the spirits of their ancestors"? It's so right, and real and important. That's why I wonder.
We bury my mother-in-law on Tuesday. She, and her husband are some of the great people I have known.
Thanks for this labor of love, brother..
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210425
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mymindsuchasweething
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I see him in myself and I am grateful to.
The reflection is a catalyst to trusting and believing in myself.
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210502
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