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sirflaccid
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I actually talked to my mother last night about the way she treats the people in my life. It was very straight forward and honest. I don't think I have ever been so blunt with her. I held nothing back. It was the first time in a long time I have had a conversation of such without being attacked by her defensive personality. I think she actually realized the intent of my actions. And that felt good.
I told her that I was tired of her judging the people I brought around and just to accept them because I do. The part that was hardest was relaying the fact that she shouldn't even do it, not just keep it to herself. I mentioned you and how things got uncomfortable. And how it became a chore to visit the house together. And how even I felt like we were being watched and judged. (And yes I put some of the blame on her.)
I talked of how everyone else seems to get along with their significant other's parents. As if they were a second family. And how I always wanted that.
My mother does have a good heart. I think she is just afraid to show it. She has the same loss issues I do. And considering the age at which these relationships were established she knew they would end. Therefore, she would shy away as not to have lost someone she actually did care about. And she admits to this day that she liked you. But someone smart once told me, "it is easier to be angry than it is to hurt."
I just hope somehow, someday I will be able to bring someone around that I can deeply care for and this not be one of the issues we would have to deal with.
Everything that goes on just seems to be external and out of my control. This is and was an attempt to stop the madness so I can be happy. That is all I want.
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050121
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