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squints_selfish_screaming
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squint
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well, what DO I do?
Either I stay here forever, or I take these steps to get where I want to be, but I'm cemented here, I can't move, its an IMpossibility, and I know of things outside of me that can help, nobody supports that, so what they want, is for me to be perfect in order to gain perfection, so I have to be happy in the pursuit of my happiness, I can't solve any problem the way i want to, and the problem is that I never listen when I tell myself what to do and it contradicts advice soemone else has given me.
so what you're all saying is that First I have to achieve this impossible balance (the one I'm seeking) in order to take the steps I'd like to take to reach that particular balance.
so what you're saying is that I should lay down and break, because no trying is ever going to do me any good.
i have to have succeeded before I even try.
IF I COULD DO THIS, I WOULDN'T NEED TO.
I make myself sick and then try to heal myself.
at least a part of me doesnt want this.
I can't get anything done. I can't think, concentrate, I can't.......can't.
I don't want to even pretend I would use any other words.
I just hope I'll look back on this blathe...and laugh at myself and tell whoever is standing next to me reading over my shoulder "god can't beleive I was so melodramatic. I don't think it was ever really THAT bad."
I'll make excuses, and I won't feel this way.
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020930
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squint crumples
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drumming familiar territory, something i never learned to do.
talking to someone
who has never needed my advice
and now I feel so much younger
and he's only 3 years older.
so far as I'm concerned, he left for college so i could miss him, and thats supposed to be the waning end.
today is short for a reason
the sooner i can pretend to sleep
the better.
i wish i had washed my clothes so I could be wearing something intensely fetishgothic.
I wishi could explain that its not you.
because it really is not. But what is IT?
stitch
go ahead, all of you.
last night i had a dream that i tried to murder my mother and then I ran away from home with a camera while she was tied to a door, she reached a phone and I saw her on it, ran inside, hung it up, and....how strange--I picked up a minivac and vacuumed all her hair up into it.
my brother came in and stopped me from anything else.
i felt hollow when I woke up, my stomach hurt to the point that i just didn't want to eat and stop the hunger from devouring me. When I am hungry enough, i have no appetite.
which explains more than just food.
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021002
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squint
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stitches (not stitch)
(and no smart ass comments. hopefully you know who you are. spidery kisses acted and lies and reciting lines to some girl on some stage somewhere.)
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021002
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