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Ivonna H.
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Homer:“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.”
Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge: No! What is he’s crazy?
Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
“I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if it’s speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The bus that couldn’t slow down.”
Homer: Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
Woman: What was her problem?
"Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
“I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.”
Faith: Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really … good.
“Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.”
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
“I want to share something with you – the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, “Cover for me.” Number two, “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three, “It was like that when I got here.”
Marge: I’m afraid we’re going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we won’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s crib and Bart’ll sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in ’76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
“Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’”
“Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.”
Marge: What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car?
Homer: Nothin’.
Marge: I don’t think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You’re livin’ in the past, Marge. Quit livin’ in the past!
“Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.”
“Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddys, and kids with fake I.D.s.”
Marge: Oh, that sounds fabulous, Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer: You like parties huh? Well, I just remembered they’re having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge: You didn’t remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer: The important thing is I didn’t imagine it.
“Oh my god! Space Aliens! Don’t eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!”
Homer: That tree’s been in the town of Springfield since the days of our forefathers. Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!
Tow truck man: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox!
“Aw, being a clown sux. You get kicked by kids, hit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I’m leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.”
“I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.”
“Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.”
“And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don’t like it.”
“Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.”
“Oh, my god, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. It’s your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.”
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
“Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
“Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.”
“Look, Marge, I’m sorry I haven’t been a better husband, I’m sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I’m sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I’m sorry – oh well, let’s just say I’m sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.”
“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr Burns, you have a letter for me....
Postoffice: Okay. What's your first name, Mr Burns?
Homer: I ... Uh ... Don't know ... (suggested by martin cole & ryan colameo & mike)
Bart: "Dad, Lieutenant Smash has gone crazy!"
Homer: "Yep, that's the look! He he." (suggested by I.F)
Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty ... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! (suggested by I.F)
"Homer Simpson is not the kind of man that apologizes, I'm sorry that's just the way I am." (suggested by edie holland)
"Oh my god, this man's my exact double! And that dog has a puffy tail. Hee hee hee. Here puff! Here puff!" (suggested by craig giv)
"Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!" (suggested by charlie)
Homer: "No beer and no TV make Homer something something"
Marge: "Go crazy?"
Homer: "Don't mind if I do" (suggested by cimmerii)
"Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!" (suggested by amanda)
Art lady: "It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly . . . or a chimpanzee."
Homer: "Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!" (suggested by dana)
"Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!" (suggested by dana)
Flanders: "I think we hit something."
Homer: "I hope its Flanders" (suggested by ashley)
"What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?" (suggested by elisabeth)
Marge: Homer! Stop! you'll kill us all!
Homer: Or die trying! (suggested by joe)
"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!" (suggested by quet)
Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation... (suggested by j-live)
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like ... love!" (suggested by mabel)
"Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you Marge .... see ya!" (suggested by mike)
Homer: Do that card counting thing again, go do it!
Rainman: No definitely have to leave the table ... yeah yeah ... gotta watch Waldner.
Homer: Oh please please please please!
Rainman: … No gotta leave the table........arghhhh!
Homer: Arghhhhhhh! (suggested by pink smurf)
"Stupid T.V. Be more funny." (suggested by katrina)
Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: We have crab juice and Mountain Dew.
Homer: Eeewww. I'll have the crab juice! (suggested by natalie)
"I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!" (suggested by natalie)
"To alcohol ... the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!" (suggested by kelley hauser & peter)
"We're goin to Moe's. If we're not back, avenge our deaths." (suggested by kelley hauser)
"I'm not outta control! You're outta control! The whole freakin' system's outta control! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face! You'll know what to do - forget it Marge - it's China Town!" (suggested by heather & sid)
"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaaaming." (suggested by kristina rice)
"But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make god madder and madder." (suggested by dustin olson)
"But I'm not a missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus!" [Seconds later] "Save me Jebus!" (suggested by eric campbell & todd fuller)
Homer: Hey Marge, look at me - I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from happy land who lives in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane ... In case you didn't realize, I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well duh. (suggested by kelley & purvis & benjii)
Homer: But we love Bart and Lisa!
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Margaret? Lady you got the wrong file ...
Marge [Whispering]: She means Maggie.
Homer: Oh yeah, I don't have anything against her. (suggested by valerie)
Homer [When the house is on fire]: When a fire starts to burn there's a lesson you must learn, something-something then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe, D'oh! (suggested by valerie)
Lisa: 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Homer [Thinking]: What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid.
Homer: Takes one to know one.
Homer [Thinking]: Swish.
"Lets just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV." (suggested by kim)
"Feelin' stupid? I am!" (suggested by kim)
"Oh, so they have internet on computers now!" (suggested by kim & drumanaty)
"I know you can read my thoughts boy ... meow meow meow meow meow meow meow." (suggested by kim)
Homer: Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
Lisa: Even you?
Homer: Especially me. (suggested by andrew b)
"I've got two questions. One, where's the fife? And two, gimme the fife." (suggested by michael)
"Chief justice of the supreme court. What great men he would join - John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger, mmmm burger." (suggested by michael)
Homer: I will give up the civil war recreation society I so dearly love.
Bart: And I will take up smoking and give that up!
Homer: Good boy, that's a tough thing to have to go through. Here's a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!
Homer: Didn't he lisa, didn't he? (suggested by valgal)
"My hotdog has a first name, its h-o-m-e-r, my hotdog has a second name, its h-o-m-e-r! (suggested by freaky_be_beautiful)
"Excuse me Doctor, I think I now a little something about medicine." (suggested by barbara)
"Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania' or 'teria.'" (suggested by barbara)
"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos." (suggested by barbara)
"Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it anyway." (suggested by barbara)
Bart: Homer, are you licking toads?
Homer: I'm not not licking toads. (suggested by scott mackin)
"Ooh, I'll never eat chili again ... Woohoo CHILI!" (suggested by michelle)
"Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow. Oww! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!" (suggested by juzzy dude)
"Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something?" (suggested by juzzy dude)
Homer: Marge, I'm bored ...
Marge: Why don't you read a book, then?
Homer: Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom. (suggested by juzzy dude)
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down boy. People die all the time, just like that [Snaps fingers]. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night." (suggested by juzzy dude)
"In America, first you get the sugar ... then you get the power ... then you get the women." (suggestsed by mark allenbach)
"I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun." (suggested by bhayani)
"It is better to watch things then to do them." (suggested by melissa)
"Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?" (suggested by melissa)
"I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood." (suggested by melissa)
"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you." (suggested by drumanaty)
"Press the any key ... hmmm where's the any key?" (suggested by drumanaty)
D'OH
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020325
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