blather
self_forgiveness
Adam without it i've crippled myself, rejected the reality and deception that is my friendships today, -friendships possibly only because they don't know what i've carried on my shoulders for seven years now,- and instead focused on what i really deserve as my reality, a life rejected by those unwilling to forgive me, should they know of this weight.

if i could forgive myself the former reality would certainly remain, the latter merely old imaginings. but how do i forgive myself, how do i stop blaming myself for ruining something so beautiful? like a child mourning the death of a bug he's watched die for curiosity, the situation is suddenly out of my control and i can't revive the beauty, i cannot undo the destruction of my hands. so like the child, i still need days to mourn until i can find self_forgiveness.
060111
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laenik without it i've crippled myself, rejected the reality and deception that is my friendships today, -friendships possibly only because they don't know what i've carried on my shoulders for seven years now,- and instead focused on what i really deserve as my reality, a life rejected by those unwilling to forgive me, should they know of this weight.

if i could forgive myself the former reality would certainly remain, the latter merely old imaginings. but how do i forgive myself, how do i stop blaming myself for ruining something so beautiful? like a child mourning the death of a bug he's watched die for curiosity, the situation is suddenly out of my control and i can't revive the beauty, i cannot undo the destruction of my hands. so like the child, i still need days to mourn until i can find self_forgiveness.
060111
...
oldephebe . 060112