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djstar
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Hi Daddy,
I am deeply and psychically involved in the tragedy of what happened in NJ and Connecticut yesterday. Like my Mother, I am riddled with being overly attuned and vulnerable to the energies, good and evil, of this world. This would explain the ridiculous amount of anxiety that we endure on a daily basis. Late Thursday night I told Leslie that I was having a "bad brain day", which means something wasn't right and I couldn't put a finger on it, I couldn't eat, and I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away.
Once I succumbed to sleep, I had dreams of interacting with my cohorts from Bryan as a child - from band nerds to the popular crowd (from Sarah to Lacey). I was trying desperately to bring every one together and also to gain acceptance again. I was rudely awakened by Matty and couldn't go to sleep after that. I started crying for no reason. I have been crying for no reason! I felt something absolutely horrible in my brain that I couldn't put a finger on.
Later on yesterday, avoiding the self-clean option of my oven, I decided to get down on my hands and knees to clean the stove. After the grueling task, I had a profound appreciation of my Mother than ever before. I called her to express my feelings and when I heard her solemn voice I knew that something terrible had happened. She told me about Connecticut and I told her to immediately turn off the TV as she was watching the horror for hours. This was breaking news to me as I don't have cable and was determined to not get distracted with the internet for a day!!! So, for 40 minutes upon arrival at The Ritz, I had to suppress the aforementioned.
It is 4:38am and I have no one to talk to. I have been deprived of human interaction (other than with Leslie and I am going nuts).
If you have noticed, the fall/winter season is unfortunately my time of despair. Trust me when I say I am trying my best not to jump off of a cliff or find a way to heal myself in Santa Barbara.
Before I get to the logistics - which is not the purpose of this email - I have to address the following:
Leslie is working but it is not bringing in the amount of money that we need right now and as usual, business is slow for me.
1. I need to get my car checked out at Honda - there is a recall that I need to take care of and a funny sound (along with 'check engine light' that I am uncomfortable with).
2. I have $150 to my name
3. We are out of groceries
4. I am out of gas (literally, emotionally, mentally)
LASTLY, Leslie is in "baby fever" mode - She will be 35 in May and I am freaking out. How can I think of babies now when 20 of them lost their lives in the most horrific massacre???
It is now 4:55am - I shouldn't apologize for this email. I am thankful to have a Father who has dealt with 2 very difficult children. We both look up to you and Mom and how you have set an example of what good parenting should be. We don't mean to be difficult; we really are trying our best to fulfill our dreams.
We love you very much and thank you for everything.
Talk later,
Deanna Jane* 5:03am
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