blather
rehearsing_my_own_past
fyn gula if i am a fall of snow, i have laid on the ground, still two days, but not alone. it is the merciless wind who has visited unto me, uninvited.

the sun, her mother, angry, condescending, obligatory, judgemental. and so i am left, swept by nights of freeze, days of thaw, grey breaking up, white to pale green grass, dormant, asleep.
questioning. yes, i have questions.
i know all the answers so i don't speak. i just lay my head in my hands and pretend i am tired. 		020224
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unhinged i still lay in bed at night, your face dancing on the back of my eyelids remembering the smells of our moans, the demand and loss, the complete death by words of the one thing i still held fragile hope in. because i wanted you to save me like you said you would. i thought giving in was proof enough to you. but there was no symbolism in our act, no future, no love, but moans. and that was what hurt worst of all that i couldn't hide it until i was alone. that i could kill love but give in to lust still hoping that they were the same four letter word. and i still lay in bed at night rehearsing what i would say to you, crying because i didn't want to mean that to anyone else ever again. that as much as i joke sarcastic, i couldn't handle that. that i still held close to my heart you holding me when i cried. that i wanted you to hold me all the time, that i needed you to. but you didn't know me. you didn't know how hard i search for love. i still rehearse what i would say to you. 020224
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blueberry feel the future in the past 020224
...
Death of a Rose I would be getting ready to lie to the future. 031010
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suicidalchinadoll old movies
the ones that keep you awake at night.

I can't live it again..why do I keep dragging it into the forefront of my mind...? 		041018
...
unhinged it was a past
that became a script
that was hard to break


and now i have vows
to try to turn around 		080202
what's it to you? blather
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