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She said, "You are not just a vague regret. The only thing I regret is hurting two women I care very deeply about." to the woman she cheated on me with, and it constantly echoes on and on in my mind -- like a broken record that I cannot escape.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way, It wasn’t supposed to happen and I never should have had the power to see and hear things in my mind -- for now I am forever tortured in my waking state -- in my sleeping state. I had another dream about you -- another one where you cheated on me with two guys and selfishly didn’t care that it broke my heart into a million little blood cells ... and this gift of mine (so you call it) is the lingering salt in my wounds. At nighttime I get no rest from past decisions and consequences of others -- it is there that I am most vulnerable and filled with the most haunting despair.
Strapped down in our bed, under the influence of sleep, as the unwilling participant I am forced to view the words exchanged, the events that had transpired, the exact moment my heart had been overwhelmed.
You said, you were in love with me, you said that you were my wife, you said you’d never hurt me like that ... that you would have rather died than to do me just like the others had -- and you were so angry and upset with me all those times that I couldn’t just let go of those last diminutive fibers of doubt and vulnerability -- but one day I did and I shared that knowledge with you, for I was proud of what I was able to give you ... something that I wasn’t able to give any other ... (not even to my own family members), and that was my complete trust.
After all the years of being lied to, abused, and abandoned by my birth family-- I thought I had finally been blessed by the great Creator with your love and the gift of you and who you were and that you were the family I prayed for over the many glowing candles of birthday wishes gone by... all the torture and pain was endured for one definitive moment in my life and that was the opportunity to not only know you but to also be the worlds luckiest person that had been bestowed with the honor of loving you.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way, you weren’t supposed to like someone else when you pledged your heart, your soul, your body to me and the sacred union of us -- but you shared all of these precious gifts with somebody else. You enjoyed yourself while I was at home toiling hard for us and our future together -- through sickness, through worse, through every obstacle I hung on for us -- and all you had to give in return was yourself to someone else. Each night I lay down to sleep I am subjected to relive what had happened, the words you said, the things you did, me crying my eyes out having first found out about it 5 minutes before class ... that you (the love of all my lifetimes had cheated on me -- not once but twice).
Each night that comes upon me I fear with such intensity -- that I never want to sleep again, my "gift" of seeing things, my gift of "knowing" haunts the very root of who I am. I haven’t slept in so long and I barely let myself sleep for two hours or so at a time, for I am escaping my dear ... and I’m still waiting my love, for you to realize what you almost unsympathetically tossed away in those few hours of gratification and stimulation -- I don’t think it has fully touched you yet.
--every night I am traced with regrets and despair--
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