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typhoid
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after a year
365+ days
of sitting
steeping
thinking
of you
on each and every one
not talking
not seeing
not the tiniest bit
of communication
...
i thought of you every day
every fucking day
your name is emblazoned on my subconsciousness
the source of all good
beauty itself
kadine katje
...
i am in terrible pain now.
what if you were to come back?
do you know i would still run a thousand miles
to be with you?
this precious fragile universe i've built up in your absence, that i've nurtured and tried to love
would it collapse?
will it?
and even if i saw you again,
would it end badly
as the first time
through boredom or indifference?
...
for a while
i even forgot your face
your physical reality
you were just a name
a name of the perfect
noun, moreso adjective, verb, to be good, to be superlatively best
and when i was reminded in some passing glance of your... ... i nearly died in ecstasy.
...
do you know that
if in that year
if i had seen you in the street
all i would have done
would be to have bowed my head in silent prayer?
...
could i still abandon my world for you?
i have become weak
i have trained myself to it
chained myself to it
create the illusion of stability
...
EVERYTHING I'VE DONE IN THIS TIME HAS BEEN FOR YOU!
...
i don't even know who i am anymore (did i ever?)
i don't even know what i am anymore.
i just feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.
i don't think...
i think this might be from some ...
i can't even think about it anymore.
ill out of expectation of good?
how can i expect anything?
(you spelled my name wrong in your one sentence)
i would hope i could keep your attention for more than a few moments at a time now.
i've been practicing (i hate to admit it's just been for you).
i feel so cold
and so hot at the same time.
i can't stand up.
i can't even think.
please come back.
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