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Suicial Angel
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Wow that sounds like my life.
Whenver things start to go okay and I'm at the top of the roller coaster, it takes a dip down and each time it goes a little further. I dont know when it's going to smash into the ground but it feels soon.
I can't even enjoy myself when I'm happy because I know it's just going to be shitty all over again.
People use me. They come to me when they need someone. They need a ride, or just need someone to comfort them, but they dont know anything about me, they dont know what goes on inside me. They walk by with thier annoying smiles and hugs and happiness, while I sit with my plastic grin and fight off the frustration thats boiling inside.
Ever since I can remember I have been the back-up friend. When everyone else is doing something, someone calls me. Unless I innitiate something. Although it more than likly falls through anyway.
I'm also the one that people come to when they need consolation. I go out of my way to help them however I can, I'm extra nice for no reason, and get nothing in return. I don't necessarly expect something, but it would be so nice to have someone do for me what I have done for others. Yet they think nothing of it.
I can't wait to go to another school next year. I can be anyone I want to be, really. I can be myself if I wanted to. Roomates, friends parties, although I know once I get there, everything will probably be the same. And I've been partying so much now, just to escape this fictitious ficade I put on. Although drinking and weed, is a temporary happiness, I need all the relief i can get. When I move, I'll get to escape the place I am now. This town is beautiful in the summer, but all winter long I think I slip into seasonal depression beyond this regular anxiety/depression I have now.
Everything comes back to me, especially around Christmas. My birthday is coming up in like 3 weeks. I'm going to have a party and invite a lot of people. I guess all the friends that only use me for the party and a "good weekend" but when that next week comes rollin along.. I'll disapear into my silentness, and wonder if they'll ever catch on. I can drop so many hints, and they'll never catch on. They rarly have, and when they do I cover it up. Why I do this, I dont know, I dont want to seem too vulnerable. I guess I'd like people to know that I like to hide it. It's like a game, maybe they do know, but they dont want me to know that they know?! Then I do know.. well what difference does it make anyway?
I think thatz all for now.
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