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questions_for_someone_wiser
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anne-girl
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when do you reach a point where you don't care what people think about you anymore?
not just so you can say it... so you don't have to say it anymore?
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041205
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phil
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what is love.
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041205
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smurfus rex
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I don't know about the "wiser" part, but I'll answer anyway...
When do you cross the line from *saying* you don't care what people think about you to *living* like you don't care? I wouldn't say that there is a "point" where this happens...it's more like a gradient, like the edge of your shadow on the sidewalk. It's a process, I think.
You know what is important to you and you live accordingly. Do you take the bus by choice or by necessity? Do you drive a car? What kind, and why? House or apartment? Townhouse or studio? Levi's or Docker's? Omnivore, carnivore, or herbivore? Water or soda? Books or DVDs? Nike or New Balance? Metallica or Mozart? Religion or logic? City or country? Republican or Democrat? Coffee or tea? Love or loathe? Red pill or blue pill?
Basically, when you know what you're about, what you is and what you ain't, what you like and what you don't, where you are and where you're going, AND that knowledge is strong enough in you that you can smile in response to your detractors and say, "that's another way of looking at it, but I think I'll stick with my way, thanks." You don't have to charge forth to defend your views and opinions and choices against any and all who might disagree with you. But you also don't have to shut your eyes and cover your ears to keep you from learning anything new that might change your perspective.
In short (too late), you ain't paying anyone a dime to like you, so why try doing it for free? There's too many people in the world to try to get them all to like you. Do what *you* want, what *you* like, cuz ain't nobody gonna do it for you. Somebody wants to tell you what kind of car to drive? Let them pay for it for you. Somebody wants to tell you where you should live? Let them pay the rent. Somebody wants to tell you what to wear, what to eat, what to read, what to jam to? Let them buy it for you. If you're taking care of yourself and not being self-destructive, then you can encourage them to do the same for themselves. Would they want you telling them where they should go, who they should see, what they should wear? Hell no, they wouldn't! So don't let them do that to you.
Maybe I've gone a little overboard with this. Maybe not. But I can say, "yes, this is my dumpy little shithole apartment. You don't have to like it because you don't live here."
"Yes, this is my sexy blue Ranger whose payments are burning a hole in my bank account. If this was *your* Ranger, *you* would be paying for it."
"Yes, this is my mall cop job. It pays the bills, so don't tell me I should do something else just because you're not a people person."
"Yes, this is my library. Some people collect baseball cards, I collect books. Yes, they're heavy...heavy and MINE. If they were yours, they'd be coloring books."
But mostly, I think the final stage is when you realize that it's pointless to worry about what other people think about you because they're too concerned about what other people think about them.
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041206
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smurfus rex
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And what is love? It is that condition which causes someone to desire a continued proximity to, intimate knowledge of, and preferential regard for another person.
You want them to get what they want. Even if it's at the expense of what you want for yourself.
There are as many answers for this question as there are lovers in the world.
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041206
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dafremen
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I won't presume to consider myself wise, but I'll take a shot at the question anyhow:
At what point do you stop concerning yourself with what others think?
Perhaps at that point where you learn that what others believe they think of you is not what they would think of you if only they knew your heart and their own a little better.
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041206
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phil
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when you know the truth about yourself.
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041208
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marked
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.
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041209
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me
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you know, when you have conversations with people, just talking for no especially good reason... because they're sitting next to you on the bus or whatever... how do you know what to say?
Because whenever i talk i don't know what to say and always end up becoming pretty monosyllabic and conversations rarely go beyond "hihowareyou?fineyou?good.nodturnaway"
yeah
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041215
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mippymoomoo
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awesome way of putting things, mr rex.
ahhh, and yes love...
isnt love whatever you make it?
like home,or life, or friends, or food?
i tend to do things in excess, so i proudly do things (sometimes) that other people might think are crazy/stupid/useless, but to me - well its just all about me. Unless its about someone else (the love thing), and like i said, i do things in excess; so i love a lot of people.
so given that respect sometimes i hold back from doing something, or saying something. NOT because i'm afraid of what anyone will think, but out of respect for how it will affect the ones around me.
sense or no sense, whatever
and talking to random people, and what to say... i usually talk about things i've noticed surrounding me. like a funny squeak the seat makes on a bus.
or the fact that theres gum stuck on the window somewhere. or that some poor sap just tripped on the street and its funny as hell.
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041215
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realistic optimist
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if you no longer care what people think, then have you freed yourself from the binds put upon you by motives tied to others' opinions of you?
have you just limited your connection to others based upon a single desire to not care what people think of you?
will this ensure that you do not care what someone about whom you care thinks about you?
even when those thoughts are not manipulative, but merely the perceptions of someone close?
can these perceptions be useful insights and/or be helpful information when self analyzing in order to better one's self?
if you are at peace with yourself, and truly love the person in question, regardless of who they are, then can their their petty manipulations or jabs be transcended a priori?
will you empathetically see why they feel a need to act that way?
is this also the best way to defend onesself rather than giving up one's rights for more protection from one another?
is it an act of love to keep someone from having to hurt you?
this post is pretty much a longer-winded version than the first answer to the question expressed thusly:
what is love?
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041217
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anne-girl
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i think it's more a matter of
"i impose restrictions on myself because of what i think people might think or say or do" than anything else
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041217
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someone wiser
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when you don't care about the people who think about you.
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041217
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Syrope
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can you really enjoy happiness when you know it won't last very long?
i'm beginning to suspect i have a cyclothymic personality disorder, and...i mean, sure - cycles that last days are better than the hopeless ones that last weeks, and they're better than the ticking explosives that hourly cycles can be...but it's so much more intense and internalized and...random
...i was even a little relieved & flattered to read that it's more of a temperament than a disorder, and it's often present in gifted and creative people, and that it can explain my sleeping problems & my decision-making problems, but it still isn't a good discovery
i mean: "low-grade depressive"...that sounds like a double insult...i'm not even a high-quality depressive...
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041217
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minnesota_chris
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for a lot of people, about age 26 or so. So much becomes irrelevant when you stop worrying. Trouble is, you have to worry about better things, though... otherwise you just get selfish.
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041217
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>.<
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how do you know if you're
a. in love with someone
b. in love with the idea of someone being in love with you
c. in love with the idea of anyone at all being in love or at least like or at least caring that you exist with you
and how does one get over being obsessed with a given person, especially if this has been going on for more than a year, on and off?
and what do you do if this person is one of your best friends, even if you don't know if you're one of theirs?
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041229
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loner
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how do i get girls?
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041229
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smurfus rex
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For Syrope:
I look at your initial question like this...Happiness is like ice cream. You can enjoy it while it lasts, and then, when your bowl is empty, go get some more. But you have to get it from the right place, because happiness isn't found just anywhere, just like ice cream isn't usually found in a hardware store.
For . :
a. when you put their needs ahead of yours, when you cook their favorite dinner even if it's not your favorite, when you make decisions together, when you see them as a benefit to your life instead of a hassle, when you can sit with them for an hour or more without saying a word
b. when you don't see yourselves together in the long term future, when you don't think of yourself as complete without a companion, when you put more work into the relationship than the other person, when you're not 100% sure that the other person is who you're supposed to be with
c. when you take stock of your circle of friends and examine just how often you spend time with them
d. you get over your obsession by asking yourself "what am I getting out of this?" and, after answering that, asking yourself "is that okay with me?" and, after answering that, asking yourself "what can I do about that?" and, after answering that, asking yourself "how would I feel if someone did that because of me?" and, after answering that, asking yourself "is it still worth obsessing over this?" and, if you answer "yes", then you ask yourself "what am I getting out of this?"...
e. If this person is your best friend, then you owe it to them to tell you how you feel. It'll hurt, it'll be hard, but it has to be done. Then when they know, you can discuss what needs to happen for both of you to be comfortable remaining friends, if possible. It sucks, I hated doing it, but I still have my best friend, because she knows how I feel about her. And we're both okay with that.
For loser:
Step 1 - don't use 'loser' as a nick anymore. Don't refer to yourself as a 'loser' either. If you catch yourself about to say, "I'm a loser", stop yourself, and insert 'the man' for 'loser'.
Step 2 - Look at people as you walk around, make eye contact, give a slight smile and a nod. Keep walking.
Step 3 - The only pickup line you ever need is "Hi, what's your name?"
Step 4 - Be interested in the girl. When she tells you where she works, become interested in learning about that job from her. When she tells you what her major is, become interested in learning about that subject from her. Discuss your mutual interests in music, books, art, sports, and movies. Find out why she likes what she likes. Pause frequently so she can reciprocate.
Step 5 - Watch the body language, both yours and hers. Stand up straight, head up, arms unfolded, legs uncrossed, shoulders back and consistent eye contact. Don't stare, but follow a triangle from her eyes to her earlobe to her mouth to her other earlobe and back to her eyes. If she's got a closed posture, tread carefully, because she might not be in the mood to talk. There's a fine line between persistent and annoying.
Step 6 - Unless you're working your mojo on an overseas vacation, don't try to get a first date on the first try. Accidently bump into her a day or two later and start again at Step 4. Shoot for the date the second or third time you run into her.
Step 7 - Watch "You've Got Mail" but disregard the email parts. Take notes on what Tom Hanks does after he finds out who Meg Ryan is.
There is no magic pill or secret formula to this. It just takes some time.
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041229
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smurfus rex
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For *loner*:
Bonus step - Pay attention to what you're doing and what you're saying. When she tells you her name, MAKE SURE you remember what it is. Otherwise, like I just did, you might call her by another name and blow all your work out of a cannon. Sorry bout that. :)
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041229
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someone wiser thinks again
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when you die
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041229
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>.<
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sigh
so i never told him how i felt
and i stopped talking to him
and spending time with him
and i got over him
and we're still friends, sort of
sort of
**sigh**
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050707
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minnesota_chris
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if all these women aren't my type, do I even have a type?
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060218
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camille
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when do you reach a point where you don't care what people think about you anymore?
I am not wiser than anyone by no means.
Worrying about what other people thought of me was a way of life as a child.. I remember my mother saying, "everyone in the room is watching you so you had better be good"
I thought that was everyone's mission in life... to watch "me" to make sure I didn't ever mess up.
How I chose to overcome this was..
First of all they are not with you 100% of your day and night.. they have not lived your experiences, had your mom and dad, your family relationships nor have they known what your goal in life is..
These faceless people we worry about don't exist. There is a 99% chance in hell that anyone could ever know what your "makeup" as a person is.
No one has lived "life" without a mistake.We're all human and yes there is room for error. We have all screwed up at some point in our lives... there is chance for error and yes there is a chance that some asshole somewhere is waiting for someone else to mess up. Do you know why misery loves company!
It somehow lessens their pain of feeling incomplete.
We were never promised to be whole and complete. All that was ever known was that there is a void within us already..most think that this void can be filled by..
Companionship, Love, Habits etc.. Leaving room for more error..
If one can find peace within one's self then there is a possibility that maybe then... we would have no worry about pleasing others as we have pleased ourself.
Find the peace within~
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060218
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Christ without the cross
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Minnesota Chris. There are as many different types as they are people and besides you are looking for an individual not a type.
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061108
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stork daddy
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unfortunately i have been disqualified from answering any of these questions by the very title of this blathe.
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061108
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anne-girl
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in that case.. I'll rephrase it
questions_for_someone
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061108
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Pto
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Why not?
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061109
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stork daddy
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you will have reached that point when you no longer feel the need to make a blathe asking. It's a hard point to reach, and maybe not worth reaching.
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061109
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sss
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choose life instead of fear.
learn what life really is.
learn that fear is the delay of love.
believe in yourself.
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061109
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beulahry
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when i first read this i thought the second question was an answer to the first.
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061116
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anne-girl
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i am confused
and fucked up
and tired
doesn't know anything anymore
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070216
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somebody
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i don't seem to either...
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070217
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f
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look at yousself
don't look at me
stop it
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070217
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Mr. ~
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Aren't all ~ ?
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070218
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f
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very very
many many
so so
he he !
:-)
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070218
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anne-girl
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to echo someone above
now i would like to know
what is love.
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080302
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jane
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like everything else, love
is a sliding scale.
you can have concern
for someone's welfare (agape)
you can love them purely
sexually (eros)
why do we have only one
word for love?
why do we not have
eros agape philia mania
the way the inuits have
so many words for snow?
why is it - what is love
instead of - i know love
and it knows me
whether i like it
or not.
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080302
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past
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why does my union-employer's jointly administered worker's assistance fund both require me, the worker, to pay hundreds of dollars up front for dental and vision care, and then also take months to process my claim? isn't it here so i can get my wisdom teeth out and my prescription updated with out causing undo stress? bills plus rent plus food plus life combines to make these things out of reach without assistance, and that means assistance now!! [or at least they could tell you that you'd be in the lurch for 3 months when you go to pick up the forms before your appointments]
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080303
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past
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how is it that small-scale telecommunication companies are more understanding than giant nation-wide firms?
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080303
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hsg
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" when do you reach a point where you don't care what people think about you anymore?
not just so you can say it... so you don't have to say it anymore?"
when you know who you are and that YOU cannot be threatened.
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080303
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someone not yet wise
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here's a question
what if I have a girlfriend
what if she tells me she loves me so much, and she's fantastic, and she gives me everything I could ask for
what if she makes me tea when I'm sick and keeps me warm at night and holds me when I cry
what if after all this, months of this, I tell her i'm not sure, I still don't know if this is a good idea, that I don't know if I love her, I don't know what love is but I don't think it's this
what if, after all this, she tells me it's okay, I don't mind, I love you, I'll wait as long as it takes. Forever. I love you love you love you
what if nothing is wrong
what if we lived together and it was good
what if
what if I still don't really think I love her
not the same way.
because I"m just so fucking undeserving
what if I wonder sometimes if I should break up with her just because, I dunno
what if I want to cry every time she tells me she loves me because...
because I don't, or something
what if when she tells me she'll do anything for me, that she loves me, that she'll wait as long as it takes, that she doesn't want to lose me
i start crying because
because I don't know
because I don't... I don't know how long I can continue this
I know it can't be forever
what if she sends me love songs on msn and I sob.
what if I really really really like her.
what if sometimes I think it'll be ok, but sometimes I really don't.
what if I don't want to hurt her ever
after all this, what do I do?
that is my question
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080608
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tourist
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Learn To Surrender.
Live In The Now.
Love.
This Journey Is Best Shared.
Unless The Woman
Whitles Away At Your Soul,
Accept Her Gift And Silence Your Doubts
Subtle Wisdoms May Unfold Truths
About Yourself You Never Knew.
Love Is In The Now
This May Not Last
And In The End
Maybe You Won't Feel
Exactly The Same As She Does,
Her Love For You Is Just That,
Her Love.
While Your Love For Her
Is Yours.
These Things Are Subjective.
But That Doesn't Mean That It Is Not A Shared Experience.
Only That Each Individual Sees
The World They Create Inside Their Minds.
In My Opinion, Having Doubt and Thinking About It Is One Thing,
Giving Voice To That Doubt Is Another.
She Sounds Like She Loves You Unconditionaly,
You Should Give Her A Chance For The Same.
If It Doesn't Work Out, So Be It.
But Let It Be For Something More Serious Than Doubt.
This Could Be The Universe Providing You With What You Really Need, But Aren't Able To Provide For Yourself.
Relax.
Accept The Joy.
Resist The Urge to Control.
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080609
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TransientX
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.
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080609
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Wise Guy
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"Yeah? Just how much wiser you think you are, anyway?"
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080609
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tourist
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Aparently Not Wise Enough To Have Included A Disclaimer.
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080609
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daxle
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When you feel okay with who you are.
However, I think feeling self conscious from time to time is helpful. May we always re-examine who we are and what we do, with a soft touch.
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080609
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just a kid
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should i break up with her
or move in with her
I don't know which
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080721
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someone not yet wise
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what if this is getting worse, not better
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080721
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dafremen
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If you're even contemplating breaking up with her, it's difficult to imagine a scenario where moving in with her would be anything but an investment in deeper misery. Are there any other choices? Being with her and NOT moving in with her for instance?
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080722
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snook
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How many chances is too many to give someone?
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080722
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in this i am wise
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usually, i've found it's best to play baseball. three strikes you're out, but if they've got balls, let 'em walk. keep an eye on fouls.
everyone deserves a second chance, and usually a third, and fourth, etc. most of us don't realize how many additional chances we've been given. often, every extra chance truly was necessary for us to grow. so be forgiving.
-but-
this rule is not well applied to things such as spousal rape or child abuse or grand larceny or blackmail. few would be wise to apply the baseball rule here in a liberal fashion. err on the side of personal safety.
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080722
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was wise but wordy
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(perhaps that should read, "but if you've been giving them balls, let 'em walk". don't hit the batter or they are off the hook entirely.)
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080722
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ff
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your writing now looks like a half dead colorless butterfly.
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080722
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snook
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I don't know much about baseball. I do know it's been more than 3 strikes and I don't think either of us are always playing by the rules. Good advice though, thanks.
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080723
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dafremen
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With 6 billion people on the planet...how the hell do you get through a reasonable number of them by offering 3 strikes?
Simple rules that I've always set forth at the beginning of a relationship:
1. Don't cheat or its over.
2. Don't leave me..or it's over.
Course in my case it took 16 years for her to break number 1.
Gawd I'm old..
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080723
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