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re_alisma
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what do i do that makes people believe that i don't want to be their friend? or that i wouldn't make a good friend?
two of my best friends didn't respond to what i thought were just friendly chit chat let's update messages on facebook, and i had to think, hmm. maybe not good friends after all. but i don't know whether this is ultimately about me or them, and i guess i can't truly know, but i also know i can't push it any further.
also, why can i only think of one lonely Russian and one lonely Morroccan as the only people i met by chance, when i lived in that one west coast city for seven years? what's up with that? i just keep thinking of it as a nut i couldn't crack, but is it me? i've been home now for 6 years, and i don't get out that much, but i've only met people through work here, too, and none that outlasted any job. it must be me. it must be something i just don't know how to do right. those social skills that people who have them disdain you so much for if you don't. and then i don't tend to think of them highly. that starts a cycle where i'm always trying to be the unbothered person, and then they feel like they are being the jerks (which truthfully i did think they were, somewhat, but didn't care too too much) then they feel bad and i turn into the jerk for making them feel bad. so i guess there's that.
so, whatever it is i did, i'm pretty sorry. or, is it that maybe i didn't know any better but gave the impression that i did? and then it was obvious that i didn't? is that it?
i guess, if nobody answers, which i don't blame them if they don't, i'll have to stew into this for more years until i either give the issue up, or get that miracle break or something.
yes okay, i asked. like i said, i want to know, but wouldn't blame anybody for not answering. i guess since this is the internet and facebook is the dominant presence i should reiterate that facebook doesn't seem to work for me, too many family members liking and commenting on what i write and they seem to drive off the friends. but i think i turned into a chickenshit on facebook when my two best friends didn't want to respond. :(. tragedy. i think it might be because i don't have kids or much career to speak of, for being ill, etc. etc. etc. i'm not that ill, but i am pretty touchy about the friends not being there for me. ( and i guess they probably sense that. ) did i just mess it up again by talking too much? did i obscure possible responses?
i have so so many questions about this. i don't mind that much being alone. but i do like people too, so this makes me really very sad. although i will keep trying. i have two extra days off this week so i could go to the city, if it's not snowing. what else am i going to do? there really is nothing else.
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