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andru235
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the fact that i cannot forget
the one that i have never seen
has become the hope that i cannot evade
though if i were to ever fully despair i am as near as ever
but there he is; who are you? you mock my sanity; you mock my isolation; touch me don't touch me touch me
hug me, don't touch me; hug me, please, o [~name~], victor of the secret battles; love me, for i love you
where are you? are you? you are? you are /where/?
why did i invent you, and when? why did you invent me, and where?
you make a mockery of my sanity; if i could forgo thy image i could wallow in despair but you will allow me not even that
there you are; there i am not
i suspect it is you that is; i, the imagined
there is my hand, there is my ankle. i am. i do not see your ankle.
thanks to the minds eye i am now seeing your ankle. there you are. you are not, and yet, there you are.
the minds eye is listening to your voice, but i have never heard you speak. how have you projected yourself into me? get out of me at once. thank god you remain within me. never leave me. but if you will not be with me you must go, and now. please don't listen to me.
instead, allow me to listen to you. but now you simply stare at me with that smirk. so superior, you think yourself! i, the lesser, for existing, and you the greater, for haunting me. i am glad you do as such, now please stop. stop me from stopping you. stop me, and start you. i must find you.
i must get to you at once. if you will not leave my mind, then i will leave my body.
but the rope hung only the jury; and here i still am, haunted by you whom i haven't yet known, nor seen, nor heard, nor suspected. i was only three; it would have only been polite to wait until i was an adult to do what you have done.
i assail against you because the image of you cannot sustain me. yet i am sustained only by my hope of you, and my hope is sustained only by your image. the decades drag on. the centuries drag on. the millenia drag on. must our seperation span terrestrial geologic eras?
the signs...point to yes, when i ask if you are. if i will meet you. if you will meet me. if we will find each other agreeable. will you restore the bond. will i resist the bondage. will you overcome me and restore 'us'.
the eight ball cannot be relied upon. all the other hopes i have known hold only candles to my hope for your being actual. you were the first thing i recall hoping for, and few have been the days in which you were not the center of my thoughts.
i am more concerned with the ego of a nonexistent someone than my own. i know it is so, yet i cannot stop myself. i have stopped myself before, stopped myself from hoping you are real; the result is ropes, and toxic vials. yet the unrequitted hope of you drives me to vile ropes and toxins.
don't remind me; remind me. don't let me forget that i must forget that i cannot forget you.
here i am, crying again. and now i am laughing maniacally. why must you do this. hug me; no? will you not hug me?
i hope you will hug me. i hope you will not release me from your hug. it was my first hope...it remains, in this place of sanitized insanities, my only hope
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050818
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