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afrika
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Sometimes loving someones has nothing to do with the fact that you treat them like shit. It ought to, in paradise we don't let hard days and sordid psychologies and weird complexes drown out love. But paradise is miles away, and there can be greater influences on behaviour than love.
There is no deserving or good enough or insufficient or leagues or tallies or mathematics whatsoever, so do not try to calculate a different result or arrange the digits and figures neatly to spell out how you should have seen this coming or how someone earned this or that or why that person did whatever.
You will only survive if you slowly let those insecurities leak out of you like bleach from a wrung mop, and gaze at them restfully and confront them in battery and swim parallel to the shore until the undertow releases you, because if the gators get you then you'll die in this bayou.
There will be another day and feelings are just material possessions that are harder to throw out.
Please don't give up.
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050828
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