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oh_no_oh_no_what_if_i'm_straight
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just a kid
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this sounds absurd, but
help help
I was dating a girl and we were queer and awesome and queer felt comfortable and like it fit, like it had room for me like straight never did.
and dating her felt wrong. every time she told me she loved me i squirmed and thought no no please don't please don't i will hurt you I can tell please don't do that
I hurt her. I loved her, but not like that, and I hurt her.
I dated a straight boy briefly and was crazy about him the way i never was about her and she was devastated. He didn't even like me, really. He doesn't even like you and I love you so much and you want him more, she said.
yes.
what the fuck man how can I be such a fuckup
before her I only liked boys. I had some confused attraction to pretty girls that I couldn't work out, but I never wanted relationships with them. I'm attracted to masculine/androgynous people of many genders. even straight boys. I crushed on boys all the time.
what if I'm straight. I don't know how to do straight. When I looked for advice about straight sex it was super heteronormative and full of assumptions about how the people involved should look and act and feel. I don't want any part of that shit. Seems like bad news. In fact I did not have to write straight sex I just had to write sex.
and, yeah, I know, I don't have to pick a label. I really mean "what if the only people i am interested in romantic/sexual relationships with are straight men". becuase then i do not know how i could justify not calling myself straight.
fuck I don't want to come out as straight. Nobody will judge me for it and I hate that. Mostly people won't question it or say "when did you decide you were straight", and I hate that. In fact I won't really need to come out as straight, mostly, because people will assume it.
I guess I will just have to find other ways to stir shit up.
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091224
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IGG
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i know exactly how you feel......identity crisis much? i am bisexual but have felt like that.... at the moment i am crazy about a guy who i have been dating for a while. i won't compare our situation but i will say this:
you are attracted and more to people that you resonate with. if it's just lust then never mind, feel free to explore. you only have one lie as you, after all. if you love them.... well we are all people encased by fragile shells of skin and veins and muscles...it is not that that you love but the essence inside. so it really does not matter my friend, try to make peace with the fact that you need to just find the guy or girl on your wavelength and don't worry about everything else at that time.
i know the words may not have helped but know that i do know what you feel, regardless of whether i have managed to write what i meant.
good luck and enjoy. the people you have met yet just aren't right for you from the sound of it, but just take your time :)
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091226
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IGG
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one life* as you, sorry.
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091226
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jane
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this is copied from am_i_a_girl_or_a_boy:
i've not gone through it to the extent you have, but you should know that there are others out here who can relate on a broad level.
before i tell you my story i want to say something very important to you:
gender is an illusion society has created to compartmentalize people. i believe there is an infinite number of genders; not just "male" and "female." even with sex, we have more than just male and female, especially on a chromosomal level. keep this in mind.
ever since i was a child i knew i was different. i knew i wasn't straight or gay before i even knew what these things were. this made growing up complicated because i was also a very sexual child, and it's not easy to express that sexuality at such an age.
i have done my share of experimentation and identified as bisexual for years now. i came out to my parents when i was 13 years old. i found out that there are many girls/women that consider themselves bisexual but not to the length and timespan that i had.
these days i find it easier to identify as queer. but that's the beauty of it, of all these terms - instead of trying to mold myself to what the definition was, i was able to find a term to better suit me.
and maybe there isn't a term that suits you enough, but you can make one up. maybe there's one you haven't heard yet (gender-queer? i just learned about that one in the past year).
but don't be stuck in this box just because you feel you must. how about just being yourself, and if you want to be with someone, then they will love you for you. i can tell you honestly without knowing you that i admire you for your introspection and self-awareness, your striving for knowledge on issues that affect you, and your pursuits of self-betterment and understanding.
hopefully that will make you feel a little better about where you are. and if you ever want to discuss more about it, let me know. i'd be happy to converse with you.
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091227
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unhinged
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i have been in_love with boys. i have been in_love with girls.
i try to let love bloom where ever it will, however it will.
that said, it sucks to know you are hurting someone. especially when you care about that someone. it is so very hard to have a perfect coincidence of feelings. people are bound to grow apart.
try not to let the physical parts get in the way. some of the greatest love affairs i've ever had have had nothing to do with sex.
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091227
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just a kid
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thank you jane
am_i_a_girl_or_a_boy is me too.. I'm identity crises all over the place, lately. I think I didn't thank you then, but I appreciated your words then and do now. Still working on figuring out who I am / what I want, I guess. I like the malleability of queer a lot. I like that it feels safe, like there's room for me no matter how far from the norm I deviate.
thank you unhinged. I think I need to learn not to worry so much and see what happens.
thank you IGG =)
fuck i love you blatherskites
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091228
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