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Toxic_Kisses
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He wrote some off handed remark the other day and It made me aware that he has no idea, NO IDEA AT ALL that what he did to me was wrong.
It’s strange, I can talk to you of the repeated rape, I can tell you in detail actually but it would just make you squirm uncomfortably and I’ve no wish to do that. So common is rape now adays that for ~me~ I simply viewed it as a rite of passage. I suppose that’s why I was so far beyond shocked when it happened again about 10 yrs later (haddent I already gone through this once? Was that not enough? I was genuinely confused by the fact that it happened yet again in my life. Yet I suppose its true, mistakes will find a way of repeating themselves until you learn from them.). No this is not something I have any issue discussing.
However it’s the things I can’t bring myself to talk about, the things I rarely ever allow myself to even think about _THAT_ is what he so casually dismissed the other night before wishing me a happy 4th of July.
I still hold sacred the memories of us Before the abuse, Before he proved to me time and time again that I never once mattered to him, that I was nothing more then a plaything he could toy with when bored but would otherwise ignore.
We went to Disney World, Mom, Dad, Me, and his parents. We were there for a week and on the last night we watched the fireworks show, Me sitting on his strong broad shoulders in my matching pink shorts and shirt wearing the pig tails he’d put in my hair that morning (he was far better when it came to my hair then mom was, always gentle making sure to never pull my hair like mom did, he even knew how to French braid!) I’ve never in my life felt more close to him then I did then.
I suppose that’s why I’ve always had such an affinity for fireworks. The 4th of July and New Years feel a million times better then a months worth of opening presents on Christmas day. There is just something about fireworks that remind me that there was a time when we as a family were once whole, when I still truly believed I was loved.
Yet he has no idea, no idea that the things I can’t even talk about are the very things he just so offhandedly dismisses.
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