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amy in blue
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while i might not have to apologize for my thoughts, i do have to apologize for putting out advice and then proceeding to get an F- in taking my own advice due to some severe early pms depression. you'd think i'd be aware of what's happening by now, but i panic every time, like the world is new. but i also don't want eliminate the possibility that there's a network of vampires who flip switches when one of their "charges" (haha) says something outta line.
i should call myself lucky to know that the problem is caused by hormones and i also wonder if there is anybody out there who will remove my ovaries for me.
we have an old boy cat and we have a windchime hanging indoors with a flat vertical hexagon plate that if you hit it, the chimes will ring. this cat has learned how to do this, then forgot it existed, and now he's picked it up again and is doing it incessantly. i can see that it must be frustrating for him that i give him one treat and my mom gives him two or three- one of those hard knock, no-justice lessons of life that it's not about what you and what you did that determines the size of the reward, but about the donor. the binary that you did it is your part. now, this cat can make me give him more by hitting the chime harder, and make it sound angry. the qualitative approach to getting more treats should also complicate treat-getting quite a bit. so the cat needles and is smart that way. if the stakes were higher than i'm sure he couldn't needle his way into more treats. this cat totally yell-meows in his old age too. did you ever think about architecture's relationship to domestic yelling? and if architecture doesn't allow these sort of vocals that yelling is not even in the figments, or corners of one's imaginations? do you think what T.S. Eliot and Yeats were doing in their apocalypse poetry was, ahem, kind of, yelling. did they have high ceilings. without using caps for THE CENTER DOES NOT HOLD because they really wanted us to know, that, from their perspective that it doesn't? can we blow holes in their argument by proposing that it can be a speck of not much importance besides the fact that it can hold? or is the center always a bunch of stuff getting attracted to it? can we build a bridge through space and still be morally more together than Ayn Rand, somehow. is it us or them. is there no utopia for Mark Zuckerberg to speak of.
a take on my own bouts of depression (since they are quite cyclical) is that the panic is the main causer of problems. for me, spend two days in bed without panicking or talking in public and there will be no issue. there should be an ADA provision for this, but i doubt that there is. and I've never had a "real" job with sick days and flex time and all that. and i doubt i could get one, with my resume as it is. i could start at the bottom, if they'd hire me, at an AT & T call center and the rub then is, you have to fit in, which my track record is also really freakin bad too. so then the alternative is working on a skill and selling a skill, which you know some young person will do better than you. so i don't know. OR, you (i) could rely on the "universe" to come up with a good solution. which, you know, it does tend to. blah blah blah blah.
i have to get this in, too. this is really important. when we act on a fear we have about something there can be a stark contrast with what other stuff that causes shame. when people are fear based vs shame based there's a lot of conflict and i think the energies have to become organized and channeled and not become interpersonal dramas. i picked this thought up last winter from the Enneagram material, and the thought has survived summer blankness. i am a fear-based person through and through. when some brit character on Masterpiece Theater goes "Have you no shame?" i'm all, "no, i don't think so!" and that character seems really weird to me... so....
deep thoughts, with edna, only because jack_handy sounds too male.
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