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nevada_announces_death_lottery
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dafremen
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The state of Nevada stunned the country today with the announcement of a statewide lottery based on death statistics. The new lottery soon replaces all mandatory and voluntary insurance in the state with a monthly
lottery fee. As accidents occur, accident victims (or their surviving family members) will
receive a payout based on the odds of that particular type of injury or death occurring.
Explains Gaming Commission Chairman Pete Bernhard, "I've always thought that where the odds are in favor of the house, that's where Nevada Gaming should be. We've watched for years as the insurance industry has raked in an enormous amount of money for protection against incidents that don't occur very often at all." Although common sense seems to contradict Mr. Bernhard's statements, death statistics at the Center for Disease Control back up his
claims. It seems that the odds of dying from accidental causes each year are terribly slim. Only 0.79% (less than 1%) of our population dies each year and 75% of those are over the age of 65. Looks like the odds makers know what they're talking about.
Gaming Control Board Chairman Dennis Neilander had this to add: "This way, the state benefits, and accident victims don't have to fight with the insurance company to get paid. Payouts can be taken in monthly paymentsover 20 years..or as a somewhat smaller lump
sum payment, but payment is guaranteed. It's about time a state took measures to protect its people against these bloodsuckers. Besides, would you just look at the house take on this one!?"
Death statistics for 2004 (the latest available from the CDC) will be used to determine payouts for the first year, with odds being updated each year based on statewide figures. "We're estimating annual revenues from this just might exceed casino proceeds.", noted Roy Blankenship of the State Treasurer's office, "it's amazing that no one thought to do this before."
Understandably, insurance industry spokespersons weren't so optimistic. "This does not bode well for the great state of Nevada. Without the insurance industry, people will..well there will be a..which will undermine the..it just isn't good..that's all!" said Reno State Farm Agent Gerald Evans. Asked why statistics don't support the insurance industry's stance that risk is everywhere and quite common, no insurance industry spokesperson cared to comment. Instead, we turn our attention to the odds cards being distributed by Nevada officials already:
"Die of Parkinson's 16,827 to 1 odds", reads the card. And you just know you'll never collect. Not with those odds. Not with the house running the game.
But Joe Plank of Pahrump, Nevada perhaps
summed up the feeling of most Nevada residents when he said, "All I know is that at 17,440 to 1, gettin' murdered is suure gunna pay some bills!"
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070828
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Population of the U.S. 302,706,099
Number of Deaths 2,397,615
Deaths under Age 65 641,946
% of Population Dying Yearly: 00.79%
% Who Die Under Age 65: 00.21%
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Top Causes of Death and the Associated Odds
Heart Disease 1 in 454
Cancer 1 in 547
Stroke 1 in 2,017
Lung Ailments 1 in 2,481
Diabetes 1 in 4,139
Alzheimer's 1 in 4,589
Influenza & Pneumonia 1 in 5,074
Auto Accidents 1 in 6,970
Kidney Failure 1 in 7,126
Wound Infections 1 in 9,010
Suicide 1 in 9,332
Liver Disease 1 in 11,206
Hypertension 1 in 13,118
Accidental Poisoning 1 in 14,449
Falling 1 in 16,095
Parkinson's 1 in 16,827
Homicide 1 in 17,440
Pneumonitis 1 in 18,040
Died Around Birth 1 in 21,298
HIV 1 in 23,173
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Some other odds for comparison
Elect a liar in November 1 in 1.5
Be flown by a drunken pilot 1 in 117
Be audited by the IRS 1 in 175
Date a millionaire 1 in 215
Get $500 winning Scratcher 1 in 1,300
Golf a "hole In one" 1 in 5,000
Asteroid hits Earth in 100 years 1 in 5,000
Cut yourself shaving 1 in 6,585
Find four leafed clover - first try 1 in 10,000
Awarded the Medal of Honor 1 in 11,000
Win an Academy Award 1 in 11,500
Become a professional athlete 1 in 22,000
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fun with martial law
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your odds are a little off; there will be no election next november.
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Kung Fu
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yeah, just bake a cake and swap it for a decent hamburger, if that's what you fancy.
like there's not enough to go around.
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