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my_xperiment
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experi-mental
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this is the first entry of my experiment. i plan to cure my social anxiety by depriving myself of sleep. this is why i believe it will work. when i had insomnia i wouldnt sleep for days. after a while of not sleeping i just didnt give a fuck. i would go out in front of people looking like complete shit and i didnt care. i accepted my shittyness. the reason id rather not be seen now is because i hate what ive become. and im paranoid. everytime im around people i start sweating and shaking and get completely paranoid. before i was like this, i could talk to girls like nothing and i had plenty of confidence. now its just pathetic. i plan to cure myself by fucking myself up. the less i sleep the more i know. this is what i expect to happen. i expect to start having really insightful thoughts. after i start pondering life and figuring things out i expect to hear voices. this is how it was before. i will still be paranoid though. but by this time i will have fucked myself up enough to not care about my safety. i will try to go out where people are and will get completely paranoid. by this time i expect to start having hallucinations. this is how it was before. then i will be so paranoid that i will study people. mainly my family when they are around. i should start feeling disconnected. i will know what they are thinking and i will know their body movements before they make them and what they mean. then i will start getting delusional. i will probably think that the whole world is watching me or that im on t.v. i will start having some type of delusions that will help me be around people without being paranoid. well at least this is how it was before. or something like that, i cant remember the specifics anymore. things wont happen in this exact order but i expect all of these things to happen. and other things that i cant remember right now. i will make sure not to read any of this until im cured. well if it works. so when im able to be around people without paranoid i will come back and read everything and remind myself why i did this. i will make my mindstate stable again and just keep what i want. like being able to be around people. to prepare myself im going to need a lot of cokes, coffee, and tums or rolaids. but once i make it past the first 2 days i should start having enough thoughts to keep me awake. i wont talk to anyone over the phone. i need to be alone with my thoughts. im starting now. ive been awake since about 4:00pm september 2. it is now 6:47am september 3. i wont read any of this till im through and will come back regularly to report my status step by step.
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020903
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experi-mental
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ok so the plan is to hit rock bottom so that i can make myself over again to the way i want to be. the way i c my life is like a puzzle that ive been trying to paint over. the structure of my life has already been pieced together. when i try to change im just painting over this puzzle, trying to make a different picture out of one thats already there. this makes a messy picture. so if i want to change i have to get rid of the puzzle and piece together a new one with new pieces. hit rockbottom and start over. my first entry was kinda sloppy but this should have explained it a lil better. so anywayz, i realized that its alot harder to keep myself awake when its going through my mind all the time that i need to stay awake. so i started over and now i will let it happen as naturally as possible. i went to sleep yesterday (september 3)at about 11:30am and woke up at about 6:00pm. its now 4:51am september 4. when the light starts shining through the window im going to move into my room. its been vacant since we moved to these apartments about 6 weeks ago. i dont like to focus my energy on one spot because its all negative energy. thats why i never slept in the room. but today im moving the computer to my room and im going to keep myself in there as much as possible. the only reasons i will need to come out is to go to the restroom, kitchen, and to throw out the trash. oh and im gonna try to keep the living room and kitchen clean too, that way i wont look too lazy and get kicked out by my mom. ill be avoiding her as much as possible. that wont be too hard because i usually got the house to myself most or all day and night anyway. my horoscope told me today that ive bitten more than i can chew and that i should just look to have some fun. but i cant have fun because having fun usually means leaving the house and leaving the house means anxiety and paranoia. so im gonna stick to my project. it is now 5:02am and im going to keep myself awake for days....naturally. its happened before i can do it again. i will be back tonight to report my progress.
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020904
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experi-mental
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this is bad. my environment isnt suitable for my experiment. back when i was going through all this i had the house to myself 24/7 and i never had any lights on. i was just on the computer all the time and watching t.v. now there is too many things going and i cant even get my projet off the ground. this really really sucks because im almost sure that it would work. i guess for the meanwhile im just gonna have to do things like everyone else and deal with it. i can try again when and if i get my own apartment. what a fuckin failure
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020905
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J
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i feel ya on all the social anxiety. i have that shit too. ive also stayed awake on adderall and caffeine for several days and nights on end and had lotsa the same stuff u described happen to me. even tho it made me less paranoid, it wuz a tradeoff...cuz when u dont sleep you go insane. its just like becoming a paranoid schizophrenic, i believe...or at least thats what i would compare it to. i think the only solution is to stop caring about everything...especially what other people think. just find what makes u happy...find yer good groove and then groove with it. uve been happy before, so u can be happy again. dont forget dat
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020905
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experi-mental
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okay now im trying to figure out blather and need to type words to test my theories but i didnt wanna go typing all over blather so ill just use this page. please ignore this (im sure that wont be too hard to do...lol)
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021001
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experi-mental
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quit
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021001
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experi-mental
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quiet
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021001
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Rhin
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why am i doing this?
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021001
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experi-mental
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hmmmm
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021001
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