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dafremen
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Took some pictures yesterday. One of my good friends here wasn't real pleased with the changes.
I'm so sorry Ms. Besos Venenosos. Is there a certain PALL to my appearance now? Is there a certain..something that you can't put your finger on, because it isn't there? Is there the look of a man pushed to the brink, of a thing locked too long in its cage? Of a dog trapped too long in the corner?
I'm sorry my new look disappoints you. Well, no, that's a lie. I'm sorry it disappoints you, my friend, but I'm glad you find it disconcerting. I'm glad you think it's altogether the last sort of look that a guy would wear to attract people to him.
Do YOU want to sit around listening to my misery? Would YOU like to hear me drone on endlessly about how loyal, tender, compassionate, loyal, loving, supportive, (did I mention loyal?) and one hundred percent devoted I was before she smashed my devotion against a rock, like an otter opening abalone, and sucked out all my innards?
Well?
Would you?
Because that's all I have to say right now. It's been a week and a half, and I have NOTHING on my mind but how hurt I am. I have NOTHING on my mind but how unfair and stupid you black-hearted, selfish f***ing people are (please PARDON my generalization) and I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU WITH MY WORDS SO BACK THE FUCK OFF! (Thank you.)
So let me tell you about my very, very, happy, smurfy day. Ok?
Today I woke up surrounded by vipers. These are my two daughters, who are teenagers that want complete freedom without responsibility and see me as an obstacle to that. These are the two ingrates that tried to break up our marriage along with their mother. These are the two dogs from the Seventh plane of Hell that looked me in the eyes and told me to f*ck off, I was gunna be a broke, destitute bum. These are the ones that still try to give me the cold shoulder and disrespect me, after what they did to me, after I worked 6 years to get them their papers, and spent 13 years providing for them.
On the other side, is my DARLING wife of 15 years. This is the one who, after all of that time, supporting her in high style (we both started out broke), decides that I'm worthless because I want to do something different with my life.
This is the person who couldn't even pick up the phone when I met her, she was so shy. But years, of being gentle, never saying a harsh word, being understanding, (even though she would freak out in typical Cancer fashion and burn my clothes or trash the house or run around in the back yard naked screaming in the full moonlight), years of being patient, and helping her to take steps away from her low self esteem, brought her around to the conniving, black-hearted, back-stabbing bitch that I see here today. (sniff) I'm so proud.
Yes, this is the woman that decided she would FORCE me to go back to engineering by treating me like a chump, disrespecting me, going out whenever wherever, and leaving me home, alone for 6, 8 11 hours at a time. This is the woman who took it even further, and then took it too far. This is the gutless worm that grabbed my heart and wrung out every last drop that I had to give, and probably will have to give for a very long time.
I wake up, and wonder how to get away from them. I could walk out the front door. But where do I go? How can I go? My son is here and he is my rock. MY dog is here and he is my consolation. And besides, you DON'T KNOW ME!
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE I LOVE! These are the people I have cared for for so long, that it is habitual to put their needs before my own. These are my babies. These are the little ones that I care for and protect from the harshest cruelties that the world contains. Unfortunately, I feel uncared for myself. I feel unsheltered from the horrible scarring damage that is heaped upon the tender-hearted by this simian brute of a race to which I belong.
Today, I'll try to escape again. I've quit smoking weed. Makes it ten times worse. I've got a dislocated rib that won't heal. Makes it 100 times worse. I've got a broken heart that won't mend, but which still insists on forgiving. That makes it 1000 times worse.
So, should I primp and preen and get all sexy looking? Huh? Should I smile and laugh and joke and be just so charmingly irresistible that it's only a matter of time before some new lady jumps into my life? To perhaps love me as my lover once did? To perhaps take these leftovers and mash them into a fine paste...much like my lover has done with the majority of me already? Would that be better than a creepy, scary, mean, stay-the-fuck-away-from-me look?
Well, I'm sorry again that you were disappointed, and again, I am not. And if some day, there is a warmth where my romantic heart once was, I will perhaps stoke that spark, more likely I will stomp it out, then spit on it.
These are the moments that fill my life, Ms. Besos. These are the days that fill my weeks. These are the times that lengthen my nights. Thanks for your comments, and thanks for sharing my happy day with me.
Have one of your own!
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