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the nights child
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I want to tell him that I've been through this bit already. Looking around in the morning and feeling an absolute kind of guilt that the person next to me is not the person I wanted to be there, except he is, it's just perhaps that I wanted two people to be there.
But I put aside my feelings of guilt and of doubt because this beautiful boy beside me just wants me, in a pure and honest way that no one has ever given me before. And I do want him, I want all of him and I want this to be perfect. So I shut my mind to the black stains that I carry around inside of me, the stains that infiltrate the very cracks and crevices of my facial expressions, and attempt to give him what he deserves, what I want to be able to give him, what I'm sure I'll be able to give him properly very soon. And in the mean time his kisses cover the pain. My wavering feelings are marked with an overall trend that I know will stay.
2 weeks on from my guilt ridden mornings with him and I have passed a threshold. This morning when I woke it was he that I first thought of. Perhaps it is because I am now assured of my lost one's safety and comfort, though I have no real grounds for this. I will not dwell on it because it still hurts too much. But back on track, my first thought flew to my new love, and that is where my heart will stay.
I must try to give him the time to get past this part. Who knows better than I how hard it is to leave a life and an old love behind. I just wish he could find room in his heart to keep me there while he flushes out the past. Why must I stand outside in the cold, waiting.
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