blather
maybe_it'll_all_be_ok
photophobe I know I've fucked up. I've fucked up in life and love and even in the basics of who I try to be.

But I'm changing. I really am. So I can't remember my life. It bothers me, yes. But I can't let it define me. Speak to me in a couple of years and I won't remember writing this, unless it becomes important for some reason. But so what?

If I can't remember the bad bits then fill in the gaps for me. And I can try to fix the problems with how I am towards you if you'll do the same for me.

And so you reckon you've changed too much - you're moving in different circles. Isn't that a good thing? Isn't that something which was missing before? Doesn't that fix so much of what was wrong?

Isn't this a chance to make what was a lopsided relationship into something balanced?

Two people should complement each other, yes. But they shouldn't be symbiotic.

This all applies if we're to be friends at all, you know?

But thats all in the future, I guess. Its all so open right now. I'm alive clear headed. I hurt so much but I can deal with it all.

Maybe its not all so dark. Maybe there is a little beauty creeping in. 		050413
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fucked once too often And what if this is just the lonliness speaking? You've been single for what, 2 weeks?

And what exactly is it that you want to come of this? I can't go back to some temporary arrangement with you, always waiting for the guillotine to fall. I can't be your weekend girlfriend, just there to fill in the gaps when your friends are busy. Don't you remember the death stares you would give me? That last time we went pilling together you wouldn't even speak to me. The hundreds of nights I spent sitting at home crying because I just wanted to call you to say hello, but I'd already seen you two days in a row and I know you wouldn't want to really hear from me again til the next weekend. So I would sit at home on my hands and cry because you didn't really want me. Not really.

And I am so sick of you thinking that you're better than me. So I can't paint and I don't really enjoy writing songs, but why the fuck does that make you better than me? I'm obviously doing a whole fucking lot better than you now, I'm stronger and a hell of a lot more stable, in fact I probably always was. And I'm good. I'm a fucking good person and I love the people around me like nothing else on earth, and people see that and so I get it back from them and that's what's beautiful.

And I think I'll come back to this when I'm trembling and crying less. 		050413
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