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love & hate
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I sit here in the dark. The only light shining is the one from the candle which i light for her every night. In hope that she will see it and it will show her the way. I'm huddled next to the cupboard, with my head in my hands, and my eyes shut tight. Repeating over and over, make this all go away, make this all go away, make this all go away. Wishing and hoping that when i open my eyes again, it will have all dissapeared. Hopeing with all hope, with every ounce of strength i have left in me, with the love so strong that i feel for her, that this will all stop, that this will all go away, that this will all dissapear before my eyes. I slowly lift my head up and release my hands from it while slowly opening my eyes. It is all still there, and as tears cascade down face to fall into the pool below, i realise that i cannot wish it all away. That wishes dont come true, that true love doesnt last, that people lie, that people play games with other's hearts, that love doesnt even exist, that i am all alone in this world, that nobody cares, that what i am hopeing for is not short from a miracle, a miracle which will never happen because miracles do not exist. She is my everything, tell me, what do you do when you have lost everything? For my heart cannot even begin to comprehend what this means. That everything that which i believed in, was all a lie, that i never existed, that i probably made it up somewhere along the lines with my vivid imagination. But if i imagined it all, does that mean i am imagining this life? That i could walk in front of a car and survive, that i could swim through the ocean to find her again, that i could leap off the tallest mountain in search for what i believed in, my love for Katie, our love which was my beacon of hope for a better world. All is dark now as i blow the candle out, while wispering her name into the damp, cold, lonely room in which i drown my sorrows. Trying to make this all go away.
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041004
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