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love_story_at_12_am
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They call me Truth
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i felt her hand rub against my back. gently. I smiled and focused on the spot, felt her heart burst from her fingertips and up my spine. My body convulsed slightly easing into her fingertips, heart leaping from my chest. Her fingers moved up the crevice in my back. I could feel them under the sheets, watching me without eyes, trying to know me more intimately, searching for a place to rest. I do not open my eyes; i try to see her in my mind, her face resting on her pillow. i could almost see her lying there, eyes closed, body slightly heated, calling out to me. She moans a little and makes herself a little more comfortable. She brings her body closer to mine so i can feel her heat, lifts her legs up over my side and lets it rest on my hip,lets her hand rest on my shoulder. We stay like this, her body almost swallowing mine, right arm and leg resting on me. I could feel her breathe on my neck. I do not want to disturb her so i stay very still, just listening to her breathing and feeling her heat surround my body. I imagine this being how heaven would feel, and then i question what would make people cling to each other like this. What was this obsession that i felt, why do i wonder now how i could have ever lived without her? What is the goal of such desperation?
Her voice reaches out in the darkness and knocks on the doors of my mind.
"Why do you make me feel this way?" the vibrations of her voice bounces softly off the back of my neck.
"IS that a question for me?"
"Yes" she pauses. "Did she feel the way i do?"
"why are we getting into this?" my question was met with silence.
Her body pressed up harder against mine. She gripped my naked chest and buried her head in my upper back. I opened my eyes and stared at the curtain blowing in the night wind. why did i leave the window open?
My back started to feel moist. Immediately my eyes burned. Her nails dug into my flesh and she muffled soft whimpers in my back. My eyes were burning and i shut them to keep its fire from spilling out into the night. I thought she was sleeping but the argument we had had kept her awake as well.
"Were you missing something?" This time the words cut me as they bounce off my neck.
"Its never that simple. You knew when you met me that i had a problem with commitment."
"We lie to ourselves more than we lie to other people."
"What you psychoanalyzing me now?"
"Im just saying, you know its not about the commitment, its about accepting that you love me. Your afraid that love makes you weak. Its obvious."
"Bullshit. People only say shit like that to make themselves feel better. Convince themselves that the person is struggling with their feelings. There's nothing to accept. I dont need you. I cheated because i felt like it and i understand its hard for you to deal with that but its the truth."
My eyes were burning behind closed eyelids. I felt disgusted by the feel of her against me. I turned to face her and i opened my eyes and stared directly at her. It took a while for my eyes to adjust. She was watching, eyes full of tears. I was surprised to feel tears fall from my eyes. I could see her beyond the blur of my tears watching me in concern. She's wondering to herself why i am crying. Thats one of the mysteries of the universe, because i had no clue either. I also was wondering how a person so hurt by infidelity could be lying in a bed cuddled up with the man who hurt her. And even more, why would she concern herself so much with his pain.
"You are a real fuck you know that," she raged at me. "A little boy trapped in a mans body. Why don't you try growing up."
"Fuck you!"
Her hand slams against my chest as her face contorts and her mouth releases screams and yells obsinities. I grab her hand and pull her into me. I hug her tight, wrapping my arms around her as she yells. She struggles and fights me until she gives up. She stares helplessly in my eyes and i look at her with an empty face. Her eyes are full of tears and mouth is twisted. I look at her as she sobs softly, face contorted, forehead wrinkled, nose flaring. I kiss her hard. She fights me starting to struggle again. I hold her tight and press my lips hard against hers. Enraged, she shakes herself and tries to break free. She cries and pushes herself away. I grab her shoulders and pull her to me. She cries. I slam my lips hard against hers. Her nails dig into my flesh and kisses me hard. She hits me and cries as she kisses me.
Why do we cling to love like it is essential to survival. As we kiss passionately i question the reason for the whole thing.
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070802
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somniac
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oh.
i see.
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070803
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... |
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.
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No you don't.
I recognise nothing in this that resembles either of us.
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080208
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blown cherry
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i give up
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090526
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unhinged
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i am done crushing my heart with the weight of other peoples' ambivalence and negligence mixed with my own silence. i_have_nothing_to_say
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090527
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unhinged
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another empty day
another empty bed
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090531
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In_Bloom
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Debating whether or not to drive across town in order that two can fall asleep instead of tossing and turning into the morning hours
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090828
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Soma
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From the first word of the first letter that I read from you, I felt as if I knew you. Before I even knew your name I was drawn to you. And when I lie asleep next to you and watch that smile spread across your face as you sleep, I can't help but know that there are some things in the world that are meant to be. I can't help but be curious as if I have lived this before, and if that is how we know each other so well. To find that "other half" is so rare, and seems such an unlikely occurrance in such a jaded and busy world. I trace my fingers across your chest and you murmur. I find the small things in our relationship so strange. How badly I want you to know that I love you, that I need you, that I love you. And I know you are the exact same way. How strange to want something so badly, but never be able to fully express it.
Who_put_these_bodies_between_us?
You shift, and your arm searches for me, pulling me tighter against you. God, how I hate to be away from you, from your warmth, from your spirit. How exquisite and rare is a true love, and how precious the moments I have with you. "There are parts of me that search for you while I sleep" you once said. Well I am here again my love. Come to me, lay with me. Be mine and only mine, for this love is precious, and time will not wait.
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090828
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... |
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In_
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It's a dream
Only a dream
I am here drinking down my fear
You are sleeping and dreaming of someone else
Probably
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090829
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