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Zoe
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i know i should tell you this to your face, but i can't yet. maybe i will someday. the problem is that i love you. i don't know if i let you know as much as i should, but i really do. i can't get you out of my head ever, and even after all this time you still make me get butterflies. i love you so much that it scares me sometimes.
even though i love you i still think we should break up. it's been such a hard 6 months. it started when you slept with another girl. you never told me. i finally learned when my best friend told me, and after that you still denied it. only after you were sure that i knew the truth did you tell me. yet i still forgave you. that was probably the biggest mistake i made. we should have broken up then. we did break up, but we both knew we'd get back together after i had cooled down. i still saw you and after only one month we were back to having sex. it wasn't enough time for me. every time i get mad at you, or don't hear from you i imagine you fucking another girl. i have these paranoid theories that you have several girlfriends, and even though i know that you couldn't, and don't, it still scares me. i should have broken up with you for good, or at least for longer then a month. it wasn't enough time for me to heal, or to forgive you. i haven't forgiven you and that's scarry. i still don't trust you.
then we started fighting all the time. i don't mind argueing, in fact i like it, but we'd get mean. it's my fault too, i'm not placing all the blame on you. i couldn't let things go. a lot of it had to do with the fact that i didn't trust you, and that i was still mad about the cheating thing. i'd get mad at you, and even after you apologized i'd stay mad. it isn't fair for you. you'd scream and call me a whore, or tell me you hated me. at the end you'd always apologize and tell me that you didn't mean any of it and you loved me, but i just couldn't forget the words you said. we don't fight much anymore, but i still think of those words every time i get angry at you.
the worst of the fighting was during spring break. you and i got into a fight about your temper. you said something to my friend that she deserved, but you didn't think before you spoke. i yelled at you and told you i was going to take you home. i got in my car and we started fighting. at one point you were slamming your head against the car, i was scarred of you. you asked me to pull over twice, and i refused, so you pulled up the emergency break, or put my flashers on, one time you took the steering wheel and ripped it away. i was so scarred you were going to kill me. you never did lay a finger on me that night, but sense then i've been so scarred of your temper. i know that you have threatened to hurt yourself before, and i never really thought you'd do it, but now i really think you would.
you also stopped calling me. we have a long distance relationship. i only get to see you about once every three weeks. i need to talk to you every day. you don't have a cell phone, and are never at home, so you have to call me. i understand sometimes it's hard to get to a phone, but all i'm asking is that once a day you just check in, tell me where you are. i haven't talked to you since yesterday evening, and it's now 1:50 am. why don't you call me?
i'm not blaming you for the demise of our relationship paul. i know i helped to. last weekend i cheated on you. granted i only fooled around with another guy, i didn't have sex. i told you all i did was make out with him. i didn't tell you that we fooled around and that if we had had the time we would have had sex. i don't know why i did it. i still love you. i know i was really drunk. i think i was also trying to get back at you for the cheating you did on me. also, i have felt recently that you are starting to fall out of love with me, i guess i felt like i wasn't even in a relationship. the funny thing is, i thought about you while i was doing it. not coherant thoughts cause i was really drunk, but you were in my mind. i am sorry i cheated on you paul. i shouldn't have done that and i know that. but maybe that signals that we should break up.
i don't want to break up with you. i love you. i'm scarred though that i love having a boyfriend more. i love having you there to hold me, and to have sex with (it's always good), and to talk to. you're my best friend and the only person i tell everything to. i feel so lonely in college and you are the one who makes it bearable. my life has always been about my friends. they mean so much to me. when we all went to different colleges though, we grew apart. i tried to find the kind of friends here that i had in high school, but i can't. oh sure, i love my friends here, but they're not like the ones at home. you are the one thing that keeps me going. when everyone else i feel like has abandoned me, you are always there.
i'm so sorry things aren't working out for us. i know that you had these ideas of getting married and raising a family. i'm sorry that won't come true. although i didn't want any of that in the begenning, the more you talked about it the more i wanted it too. i guess we'll both have to rethink our lives. the problem is, we can't break up yet. we're living together this summer, and it has to stay that way. i have to bite my tongue and pretend everything is fine because you have to be around to pay rent. i know that that is aweful, but there is no other way. it's not like i'll hate it either, i love being your girlfriend and i love you. i just know that it's not going to work between us and i'll have to break up with you after the summer. i'm sorry paul. i love you so much and i'm so sorry that we let it get to this.
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050422
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