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letter_to_me
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trixie
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dear you,
so hes really all gone now. and you're wondering how to fill the "void." also wondering if there is even a void in the first place. was i just a tour fling? (god, i swear it was more than that.) none the less, i cant eat, cant sleep, cant breathe, im not going to work and im not concentrating on my work. all i want to do is run to eric or seong or someone... even my girlfriends. however, i cant stick it out with anyone. i just want to crawl back here and listen to maroon 5 and U2... and ben folds... bjork... etc. sarah mac. i want to hear how hurt my breath sounds. i want to cry really hard and throw things but im not... i haven't cried since a week ago yesterday. my friends are worried, a little, i can tell and want to help but wont put up with this shit forever. they see me getting thin and not as funny. they see me talking too much about other guys and all those heavy sighs and exhausted stares are getting old i suppose. and im sick of looking into my own sad eyes and knowing that someone did this to me... or rather that i let this happen to myself... all the while knowing that houston was inevitable and an ultimate end to even the most picturesque world. well let's not get fancy here, houston was gonna come and fuck it all up. i just wasnt ready for the weeks and hours and nights that would follow. i wasnt ready to second guess my grades and intellectual status. i didn't think i could feel so high and so dry for so long. i didnt think id long for him and loathe him all day long. i actually didn't think id ever feel so separate from someone i was so close to. i didnt think hed leave me so alone like this. i thought that at least hed call, hed want to let me down easy... if thats what this is, all a let down, a dump, a brush off. and i dont want to close up again as a result of this. i dont want to have jagged edges and question every man i ever meet again. i dont want to be so cautiously blind ever again. but i also dont want to give everything i have to someone that wont stay. i miss him. even though i hate him. i want him so badly. im going to put on my coat and go over to laguardia in a minute and blow my savings. ive lost him. hes gone. ive just plain lost him. hes slipped through my fingers like water and all i have are fleeting memories. where am i going to find him again? and what am i going to do if i dont ever find him again? i have to be able to live, but not close up in order to live. why has this hurt me so deeply? i was the most myself and happy and cute and beautiful with him and now that he's gone, im gone too. im afraid ill never be that beautiful again.
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040217
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misstree
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miss tree,
this is simply a letter to remind you that certain mental maintenence programs need to be run once more. sew some things, pick up a playtoy, subvert your anger mismanagement, save some money, and a few months from now, get the heck out of that damn corn town.
in the meantime, also, try not to insert bad things into too many other people's universes, unless they have good reasons to go there.
your prompt action on this matter is apperciated.
sincerely,
miss tree.
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040218
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minnesota_chris
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your life is full of playtoys. The toybox is overflowing. Why should you get more, when there are kids in the world who don't have a single play toy?
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040218
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misstree
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because i share and play well with others. what fun is a game of cowboys and indians with only one person? besides, when you look at the net amount of nookie i'm removing from general circulation, it's actually a very small amount (as only in cockblock situations is there a loss of nookie), though i create quite a bit of nookie, both present and future, with mental virii, not to mention to the mass amounts of nookie (and just plain sensate experiences) the playmate and i create out of thin air. actually, the reason that i want a playtoy of my own is because i do too damn much sharing and too much capture, tag, and release. i want a little boy or girl that i can be greedy with.
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040218
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ambermoon
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be your self and who cares what others think of you.
try to be a better mom and wife, i know its in you.
let go of the past and look into the future.
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040219
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god
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what the fuck are you gonna do now, asshole?
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041010
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