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Souless Wanderer
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Souless,
How are you? How are you enjoying your new place? How is school? Have you met up with your friends?
Nineteen years ago I had a baby girl, I couldn't ask for any better daughter than you. I have always been proud of you. Maybe I didn't express it enough.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you are doing.
I would really like to see you. Even if it is to meet at Tim Hortons. I promise not to pressure you into anything. It would be, hopefuflly a start.
Right now I am off due to surgery, so it can be anytime.
Anyways I will sign off for now.
I would really like to see you, if not, have a very Happy Birthday and maybe you can call me so I could say it to you. I love you baby girl.
Lots of love and kisses
Mom
xxx
Some may think this is a sweet letter, but you don't know my mother. I'll provide a translation of what shes REALLY saying.
Souless,
Are you still as fucked up as you've always been? Where do you live? How much money do you have? Why haven't you seen your brother yet?
Nineteen years ago I gave birth to a worthless peice of shit that I've never given the time of day to since. You've disappointed me continously, you fat, ugly, stupid girl. I loved having you do everything around the house for me so I never had to lift a finger. I love how you raised my son for me, but I could still always blame you for not looking after him correctly when he did something wrong. I love how I walked all over you, without a thought of how you felt.
Theres not a day that goes by that I didn't wish I still had you around to do all this shit for me. Plus, I need the child support money you brought in. My closets getting awfully empty.
But seriously, I really need some money. We could go to tim hortons, or something, as long as you pay. I know I told you in december that I didn't have a car, but hey. We both know I lie like a rug. I promise not to pressure you into anything, even though your brothers really miss you, and the house needs to be cleaned, and what about your cousins? They miss you too. You're such a horrible person. All these people are counting on you, and you're letting them down. They thought you were such a nice girl (even though i told them many times you werent) but you cant even call your mother? Did I mention I just had surgery? But, no pressure.
Anyways, Happy Birthday. Give me a call sometime, so I can make you feel uncomfortable. You'll have to call me, because, Like I said before, I'm too poor to have long distance on my phone...About all that new furniture you saw when you came to get the rest of your stuff? I swear it's not mine. Really. That's why I can't pay your father the child support i owe him for lying about your brother still being in school. You understand right?
Anyways, time to get back to the new man I'm fucking.
Might seem like an exageration, but all my life she's been telling me that i'm fat, lazy, worthless, and embarrasment, a regret, bad seed... etc etc. She favored my brothers over me. And while that might seem like petty jealously, and hyperbole, she really has. I've gotten punished for things My older brother did the day before. She babied my 13 year old brother, andd everytime he did something wrong, it would be my fault, because i wasn't properly supervising him. (Which might have something to do with the fact that my mother let him get away with everything, and told him that he didn't have to listen to me.)If the house wasn't clean, it was my fault. If my older brother had a party, it was my fault.
So what do you think, blatherers? Should i give the woman who tried to commit me to a mental institution, and sicced cops on me, another chance?
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041006
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Soma
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Bear Daughter,
I did not give birth to you, nor did I carry you in my arms as a wee child. Why have I found that I love you so? It is true. I have a great big love for you, my chosen daughter. So great that I would hang it up in the stars and it would stretch round the world and it's people. Would that I could weave a tapestry from it as it hangs there, so that others might admire and you might finally see how lovingly detailed and complex my love is for you.
Many women say that they love their children, but I have seen these women disregard the needs of tender and small hearts. I have seen them drink and hit and starve and ridicule. I have seen these women throw their children to the wayside as trash. I have seen these women use their children as bartering chips and playing cards in a game that works only to their own benefit.
Why should they be marked mothers, simply because they carried a being in their womb?
I came across you by chance, when you were 16, and found a withered and dying soul. Of all the candles and light that should exist in a body, only one small candle flickered and sputtered and said "please... let me go." I found a child who had buried their hope for life along with their emotions and dreams and the toys of childhood. I found one ready and willing for death.
I have often been called tender hearted. I have often been told I should be a mother. But bearing children held no appeal to me. But when I met you then, when I first noticed your sickly spirit, I felt called, perhaps as many true mothers do, to provide for you - a child.
But what could I at my age and distance from you provide? No, it was not milk nor food I provided. It was the most basic of all needs of which you had been starved - love. The love of friendships and long talks. The love of comfort and security. The enduring knowledge and truth that you could stumble or fail and that your worth would not change to me. That I would still call you daughter and friend should you stumble.
I found you starving and unsure. Clingy and desperate. I found myself at times overwhelmed. Out of depth as you wept out of your mind. I watched as you leaned so desperately into me for love and security, and flinched from the woman who ripped you down and abused you. I begged and pleaded for you to believe me. I love you. I love you. Consider me a friend, if not a mother. I will always be here. Yet, I found a stony heart scared to love or be loved. Scared of more suffering, but suffering still. But still I persevered.
I learned the hardest truth of love - that those you love will hurt and that you often cannot fix or prevent it. I wept for you as I realized there were wounds I would never prevent nor be able to deny. I wept out of love for you, for all I wanted in the world was you to be safe and secure. I wept out of frustration and fear. I wept out of joy, too, my dear. For the small spirit, once weak, sickly, unsure - now I see clearly.
I am so proud of you, daughter. Continue to grow. Learn to be fierce. As another year draws to a close, and a new one begins, I will still be here. You will learn more of what it is to love, and be loved. It is all I can provide - for now. I just hope that is enough.
And on the future day, when we meet. I will wrap you in my arms. I will hug you close, and tell you the truth as it was ever meant to be spoken. That you are loved. You are loved. You are loved. That you need never be alone in your loneliness again. That we are family, even if we are not bound by blood. That we choose who we want, and I give you my love.
From your ever-loving ferocious bear "mother",
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171211
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