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jessemo
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somtimes i look in the mirror. I stare at my face. Could that man looking back be the child i once fought to save. i smile, as i search those tobbacco stained eyes, looking deep past the smile, the one i practiced soo long to get right. staring deep in my soul, were nothing can hide my truth.
and in those eyes, are pages, chapter after chapter of every wronge i ever did. id forgive myself for everything, but its the fact i never changed to become anything. thats what i can't forgive.
"what happened to you?" i wonder, i talk to myself as if im another person. In some ways i am. "how did i get so stuck into this shit?" wrinkles under my eyes from lack of sleep. and such horrid impurities living in me, lust and anger, selfishness pride.
i smile, the best one i have. "at leaste im not that ugly" i think to myself. but the truth is I am. WHERE'D MY INNOCENCE GO???
i sit at my computer. "porn is disgusting" i say to myself, right after i indulged in such filth. i have cavities, i judge and i lie, i make promises i dont keep, i've slept around, a eat too much, i've cursed people under my breath and smiled as if i was INNOCENT.
i dont hate who i am. i hate what i do. i hate sin. i hate the fact that im not everything he'd want me to be. (He being God) i hate the fact that sometimes i think my life would be better without Him. Such lies from hell, For He is my joy, my creator, in ways, my life. I hate that i choose life without Him, i do, everyday unconciously, every morning when i choose me over Him, every time i dont try, try for Him.
i miss innocence. hose days were you felt like a child. when there was no fear of using people or being used. when you could hold your best friends hand, and its not gay, its not cause of the innocence.
when we are all just children, regardless of age, the sons of our one father, smileing helplessly, for no reason at all, but all reasons brought forth such joy, were giggles danced from the lips of pure women, were thanksgiving was not just a one day holiday, were everyday there was somthing to look foward to, were hope was more then just a wish, it was a truth, all we had to do was wait.
i smile as i think back, "shit weres my ciggerette" i'm tired, my cavities hurt, when the last times i did anything for anyone, that wasn't to get somthing in return.
i wont give up, innocents has died, but ill find it again. i still have hope.
whatever
jessemo
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020730
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