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i_cannot_survive_backwards
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smallhours
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I've been commuting to work on a train recently, always choosing the side overlooking the river in a car that faces against the direction we're headed. It makes it easier to look at the things I want to for just a second longer.
This morning, a lady on her phone passed by in the aisle of my car, casually saying to her caller "i need to get to a seat that faces forward. I cannot survive backwards."
I wonder if it was a reocurring thought to her, or one that came and left in a second, only for me to reflect on afterward.
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170811
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unhinged
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(i know what she means. i can't sit facing against the movement of the train/bus either.
i was really prone to motion sickness when i was a kid)
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170811
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Risen
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I am folding back into myself. I am going backwards, curling up again. Like a bud in autumn. But it feels more like the bare tree branches which look like sly fingers against the sky, coming to pick away at my raw skin, the fresh scabs.
I am exhausted and broken and the constant waves of bad news and worse luck keep crashing over me, faster and faster each year, and I've stopped swimming. I can't drown, and I can't make it to land, so here I float in this lonely limbo.
I cannot survive backwards, and I cannot breathe underwater, and I do not know what to do with myself anymore.
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170817
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unhinged
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if you have to
just_tread_water
growth isn't always good
movement doesn't always have to be forward
abandon_expectations
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170901
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unhinged
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but so many forces in my life are
pushing me
back
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180509
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unhinged
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no_way_forward
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180510
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silentbob
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I always thought side to side was what made me nauseous. But I was wrong. Either way is fine.
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180512
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