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i_am_stuck_in_confusion
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perfectly_chaotic
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I find your face, although hidden behind those glasses, gorgeous. Through a series of text messages you have come to seem to me to be either the sweetest woman I've ever met or else one who's obtained a mastery of flattery. You even seemed to have your head on straight. I fought the urge to think that I was not good enough for you; that same urge I have ever felt with anyone who has ever been kind to me. Instead I allowed myself to be sweet to the point it made me somewhat sick, and you said it wasn't cheesy and even seemed to enjoy it. My mind was built up into a shaky sort of ecstasy. We finally, after a couple weeks of text messaging daily, got together again last night... The food was wonderful as was the symphony... I felt the pillars of my ecstasy begin to crack as my mind began to chisel away at them and I could hardly concentrate and became incredibly nervous. The roof finally fell in when I simply tried to hold you hand and, while you did not pull away, you seemed unresponsive and sort of cold. Today I wonder just how uncomfortable I may have made you and am sitting with my own discomfort. I sent you a text message this morning and now I feel like I've shaken hands with a knife and it's been hours and still no response...
Part of me wants to blame technology and the very invention of cellular phones and text messaging. Another part of me just wants to proclaim all women crazy. Part of me wants to blame something, anything, other than myself because my mind wants to sink back into a depression. I feel as if I am driving myself insane. Or perhaps my insane mind has driven me back into that same old trap that seems to get set anytime I ever hope for anything to turn out a certain way. The one I see from a mile away, but somehow I still feel compelled to sit in the vehicle for the ride.
I don't even want to have sex with you right now. All I want is to get to know you better and be able to be affectionate and honest with one another. Yet, I feel certain that, if you did not already decide to just dissappear from my life, if I were to reveal the words written here to you that you would turn and run. So I don't even feel I can be honest with you right now. It doesn't make sense to me why you would simply stop talking to me though. It seems like it would be unhealthy for me to get excited if you do get back to me, because I will likely continue to put myself into this sort of mental hell. I feel as if I cannot help it.
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111008
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111008
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perfectly_chaotic
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So she did get back to me about 9 hours after my text. Apparently she had a very busy morning. While I realize that this is quite possible, as I often find myself very busy, seeing the way my mind reacted makes me think that perhaps I should try not to get too attached to this person. Usually I don't take that long to get back to someone unless I either don't care for them or I am trying to avoid some unpleasant situation or another, but maybe that is just me projecting myself onto others again. Perhaps, I should try to communicate with her much less frequently and try to meditate and pray even more. Maybe then, I could handle relating to her without going through all these ups and downs.
Sometimes I feel as if life would be easier if I had never started traveling any sort of spiritual path. Now it seems impossible to disregard the way I am feeling on the inside and it when it hurts it really hurts. My mind wants to go to an ugly place where it wonders what it would be like if only I could be like those people, the ones whom I briefly delude myself into believing they are more real than santa claus, who walk through life without a care in the world about others and could care less if they ever connect with anyone on a deeper level. Yet, when I lived in such a manner I was still in tremendous mental anguish. There seems to be no preventing it.
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111009
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creado por los animales
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I feel you. I know you said you don't feel like being honest because you think this may scare this person away - forget that. Honesty is the best antidote to your anguish and your only path to feel free again. Tell her how you feel and don't make excuses about it. It sounds like you have good intentions with her and she is lucky to have someone that feels the way you do about her. Don't expect her to like you for being honest or even to react positively to your declaration - after all people will be people and we all have our insecurities and preferences - just let it be (without taking it personal) and take comfort in the fact you tried and you were a man about it. If she gets scared and/or gives you the cold shoulder, she is not meant for you and now you can move on.
Good luck.
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111010
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Doar
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good luck PC.
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111011
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