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i_am_done_with_the_past
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Doar
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I realized the silence of my own hurt, it was a force that wouldn`t allow me to view the world as it was.
And those that chose to join, I entangled my silence. And pushed them away.
But enough, fuck that shit.
I`ve come to the conclusion that all I want or wish for is the love of a woman. To be loved and to love her with everything.
Viewing the world today I guess that is fucked up, wanting to paint her with my heart.
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111003
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unhinged
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years are hard to undo. I've known of you for over two years and in december it will be two years since our sick little dance started. all it takes is a phone call to unravel me. none of it makes any sense, but then again the heart usually doesn't.
i have scars on my heart from you. and yet my heart wants some closure, to throw the end of it in your face. you made us what we are right now. I'm through caring if you are sorry or if you love me. You're actions say otherwise.
but i have plenty to thank you for. the incessant pain of loving you pushed me further into shambhala which helped me truly realize once and for all how brave and amazing i really am. i found him.
all i need is his voice. then i am truly happy. in those moments i can let_it_all_go
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111003
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Doar
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then let it go.
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111003
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unhinged
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i've been making little steps toward it; i think i finally gave up my need to respond to him. sometimes it still rears it's ugly head, but after i declined his last call, i haven't heard from him since.
at least for now.
there is some kind of sick magnetic attraction that's always existed between us. part of me will always want to respond.
part of me wants to forgive, part of me wants to stay hard to all his advances and make walls in my heart. part of me hates those walls. i'm so conflicted; but i don't need to be.
i don't live right across the street from him anymore. i can surrender the power he has over me. but i do not have to indulge the guilt he tries to put on me to speak to him.
he attacked me on so many levels one too many times. it is not wrong for me to walk away from that and take care of myself. it is not wrong for me to be happy even if he's not. relationships don't have to be dark star_crossed balls of stress and shit.
i know that now.
i let_it_all_go and have blather as my witness:
what doesn't kill you does indeed make you stronger
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111004
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Doar
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unhinged, There will be no more calls.
Like I said, I fuck up everytime i try to reach out.
I will miss your voice.
I will only remain a ghost on blather.
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Just a memory.
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111004
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unhinged
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sorry
i wasn't referring to us. a crazy ex of mine who did a lot of horrible shit to me started calling me again recently and I'm trying really hard not to engage him
i didn't mean for you to think i was talking about you
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111004
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unhinged
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(and i think we've had this misunderstanding several times more recently; please don't take my posts so personally just because they are right after yours. i remember those conversations fondly too)
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111005
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D
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i know unhinged, but the fault is mine. I react to your posts because i feel you have reacted to mine. i know you are just writing your thoughts down. and i shouldn't have a reaction to them.
as i've alway said, you have a special place in my heart, but i promise not to react to them, because it causes hurt.
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111101
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