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how_today_feels
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Iren3_adler
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How it feels; I am a horrendous, horrible person. I want to have it all. I want to keep you, in my pocket and have you there, always. I want you to close your eyes, to go back to when you told me you didn’t notice other women. The thoughts I am having are literally non stop. Are you writing poetry for her? You’re obviously texting. There’s a second date. What does this bring? I’ve heard the U-Haul jokes but how routed in truth are they? Does she fuck like I do? Does she kiss your neck, does she push your chair, does she tease you, make you laugh? She must give you something you’re seeking. You are not a time waster. You are not a player. You are not mine.
You ask me what it is I want, and how can I tell you that I don’t know? I just want you to be you. To not be you and her and for that to be something that is harming me this much. I hate her. I hate her like I’ve never hated anyone. I can feel it, the rage. It both scares and calms me. It is deep seated. It roars. To know the you who you are with her is someone different. To know you are no longer a chivalrous knight. Instead you are drinking and laughing with her and I sit and stew in my bitterness, jealous of a faceless deity I’ve created that makes you feel safe and holds you and I am sure you tell her just how soft her skin feels too.
I do not sleep. Instead I search the realms of the internet for the face that caught your eye. I think “what was it about her that stole you from me?” and then I chastise myself. The thoughts do not get any easier. They do not soften with the blanket of sleep. Instead you and her come to me in dreams and I imagine taking you for dinner and being so consumed by hatred I can’t even speak to you. I can't even look you in the eye. Will that happen, in reality? Will I be able to face you again, knowing what you’ve done? And perhaps the worse bit of all is that you have done nothing wrong.
Nothing wrong at all
The enemy is in my head and you do not deserve any form of punishment. This is why I am spinning, desperate to both save myself and claim you. The silence brings both comfort and questions. Are you with her now? Do you speak of me? Do you think of me whilst she’s…
The questions never stop and I don’t know how to make them.
I am hating myself so much right now.
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140616
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... |
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unhinged
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.
i thought i was getting better. but i still feel tearing and breaking and ending. i dont need to add jealousy to that mix.
fuck_you_lucy
song_about_a_friend
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140617
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... |
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king of the wild
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vicious_tendencies
she says they're just good friends from high school but high school was ~20 years ago and during this time they never talked or hung out. strangers. they met again through a common friend and now... a sudden URGE to reconnect? she wants to go to his party, she wants to dance at his party. she wants to drink and have fun at his party while i stay home broken and burning. it does not matter to her because i'm a wild, jealous dog.
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140617
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flowerock
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kotw go to the party with her then, dance and have fun and meet her 'friend'.
today feels... sureal. I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, tired, sore. 10 hour work day ahead of me today and tomorrow... and so much to do.
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140617
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unhinged
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my frustration grows, is insurmountable
my vicious_tendencies are more and more prominent
no quiet
no alone
no relaxation
no relief
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140628
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... |
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flowerock
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today is just inching by. tired. sore from running up hills and akwardly dancing by myself at the blues show last night, tourists make me feelike I live in "Idiocracy". it s only 224? bleh too tired to go to the "pink party" after work... pre Pride parade party... it s aboutto get super rainbow-y pink and purple and slightly nude here in the city, I might make a glitter gun... or hide.
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140628
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unhinged
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regression
like slipping back into something unwanted but comfortable in its familiarity
drowning
triggered
sad isnt the word for it
panic isnt the word for it
ill
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140801
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flowerock
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chaotic. stressful. like being a game of tetris hoping the pieces all fall into place in a way that works... like puting togethet a puzzle in strobe light.
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140801
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