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amy in jew
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i was deleting emails and listening to disc three of chodron's "The Fearless Heart" -- i was thinking about it from the perspective of people who abstain from extending help because this isn't so hard for me.... i'll beat myself up inside and out if i out i'm not generous to person x or z. it's fair to think, though, that others simply are not in a position to help or can't get around to thinking about it and that it is only social services that can help certain people. like me. it's helpful for people like me to listen to this little lecture to thoroughly "get" how thoroughly not in the mood or in the position many are to help others -- even just emotionally.
and i was thinking about how damaging it might be to Always be in the mood to see the pain in everything and to Always be breathing tonglen like you've got nothing better to do -- actually maybe this is why i've not been reading or watching movies -- too much tonglen. well, i shouldn't complain but, well, what's the point of that actually? yeah.
also i was thinking back to DRB in conversation -- now he would go too fast and string lots of things together but i did make it a point to remember some of them because they dinged for me (i'm a dinger) i think he mentioned this a few times -- about how helping yourself with the oxygen mask before you help the child and how much sense that made -- now, i don't remember if he randomly just threw that in to get one over on me or if I was having some kind of discussion with him. i did need ALL KINDS of help after San Felipe and had no clue whatsoever where to get it except to keep on and time will mend or whatever, and i got the point about the oxygen mask, but, in retrospect, and i may be reinventing the past here, he might have meant he couldn't help me, really. i suppose there is a difference between pity-help and friendship-help but i think if you monday morning quarterback the thing he was offering pity-help only, the friendship help was at it's end, and there was going to be no more. how meaningless! and then followed the enabling traps of the internet which are close to Sartre levels of meaninglessness too. that's my trouble. i can spot it that meaninglessness too quickly and you know i -- generally speaking -- actually do believe in friendship. oh woe! the two ends of the help spectrum decaying into nothingness. which means to balance, to discuss, to think about it-- not for dogs (why does Pema mention dogs a million times?)or cats or bears or foxes.
for me friendship and love are deeply deeply blurred -- with friendship winning the game all the time like i can't function without a bff. i can't actually and it's not my destiny to do so. oh well! but that's true Help, persay, is only available from people in social services for some things, and you have to find people who do understand what you mean -- step one you have to make the phonecall, which i need to, step zero, remember to do.
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