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Afro
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"I'm leaving."
That was it. She was leaving. She was leaving everything she had and ever wanted. She was going away and it was all because of their mistakes. They had shared so much, loved so much, but it was still impossible. They made it impossible. They made it impossible because despite everything that transpired, they never stopped believing that it was impossible. So she had to go. She couldn't stay. It was too much. The memories, the love, the pain-it all added up to her leaving. She would've given up the world for him, but now she'll never have that chance.
He was still seated in his chair. He saw her pick up her suitcase, put on her heels and walk out the door of their apartment. He was in pain. There were voices screaming inside his head to stop her, to hold her back, to just hold her and forget the world. Damn the world. But he didn't do that. He watched, pain scorching away at his heart, as she walked out the door-out of his life- and closed behind her.
**
It was a year ago that they had broken up. He hadn't seen her since. He stared out at the soft raindrops at the window. It would've been their anniversary today. His mind involuntarily drifted back to thoughts of her. It had never been the same without her. A part of his life had gone missing. He knew that, but he also knew he couldn't do anything about it. They had risked enough. It was time for both of them to live the lives they were destined for, the lives they both believed in. That was his thought then and it was still his thought now.
He has moved on now. Not that he loved this woman, because he didn't. But it was time to move on and she was the most appropriate choice. What's the point in remembering her? She would never come back, not after what they went through. He had let her go, freely. He had watched as she walked out of his life and made no move to stop her. Who was he to claim her back? Who was she to want him back? No, it was hopeless to even think about it. It was over.
He tried to stop thinking about her, but found that he couldn't. He only remembered too well how she had changed him and his world. She gave it meaning, she gave it hope. She put unimaginable joy in his existence. Despite the absurdity of such a relationship, it had happened and it forever altered who he was. He couldn't help but feel insignificant with her gone, without her around. Days don't seem so bright anymore and nights don't provide much comfort either. He sighed. This was pointless. He was just making himself feel worse. This was not healthy. He has moved on. He should be happy. But he wasn't. And he knew why.
Many times he had picked up his paper and pen. Many times he had actually starting writing. And many times he had crumpled it all up and thrown it shamefully on the floor. He wanted to write her, wanted her to know. It gave him excitement, pleasure, hope at the thought of her reading his words. He wanted her still. But he knew there was no way. Any hope for them was lost now. So nothing ever got sent. And really, nothing ever got written long enough to be considered anything worth sending anyway.
But that didn't stop him from hearing things. He heard about her-he had his ways. She still kept in touch with her old friends, though she was an ocean away. She seemed to be doing fine and getting along well with her life somewhere else. Of course she would be; she wasn't a quitter. She was a winner. She was a hard, diligent, and faithful worker. And she was good, so very good. She would make it anywhere and everywhere all by herself, and no one else. She was doing well, upping the ranks in her job. She was making new friends. Last he heard, she was also starting to see someone again. It only confirmed for him how irrevocably gone she was from his life and his world. He had completely lost his first real and only love.
He gave up trying to work in his study. He knew he wasn't and never will be completely over her. He would move on, yes he would, at least to the eyes of the world. But he knew he never could and would stop loving her. Maybe one day he'll stop hurting. But that day wasn't today. And it won't be tomorrow either.
Nobody knew, but he had a hidden side to himself. He wrote a lot. It was his escape, his way to shield himself from the outside world that had ruined so much for him.
“My love. It is our anniversary today, and I know what I would've given you, if we were still together. It would've made you the happiest of women, yes it would. It is raining now, not a single sunshine in the sky, the last I looked. It matches my mood quite perfectly, now, doesn't it? I miss you still and always will. I've made the decision, and now I can only live with it. But I will never stop writing to you. You know you're always here, with me. It's as if I'm really speaking to you, and you're just pleasantly listening in. And though I ache for you to somehow respond, to talk back, I know you can't. Even a shout, a yell, anything from you would be welcome.
I will never stop loving you. I never can. I had no idea true love could be that strong a spell, but I should have guessed it so, since it came from you. Look at me, writing like a lovesick puppy. Bet you'd never imagined I'd be capable of all this, would you?
You're right though, I am not happy. I am hurting, just like you, and though I can never forgive myself for hurting you, this is how it must be. I can't make what's impossible possible-I wish you had understood that. I don't have that power, but by God, I wish I did. But you're right, you always were, you know. About everything. You were right about me, and about us. And about this.”
If she could see him now, she would shudder. He was always a professional at putting on façades and masks, and to anyone's eye, it would seem as though he was content to be with this woman, who clung onto him fiercely. But he wasn't, and he didn't want her to ever see him this way. Even if it meant they would never see each other again. No, he'd rather not ever see her again, if she must see him live a lie this way.
“This is my life now, no matter how I feel. No matter how hard I crave, dream, and continue to love you. You will always be the one. But this is my life now; this is how it must be. You're the best I ever had, and ever will have. I love you. But we've all got our own separate lives to live now. And by hell, I'm going to live it.”
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040119
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