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megan
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Brendan’s fingers are strumming the song, “Blackbird.” I close my eyes and my heart soars with the music. “Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise…” This song was written for me, I just know it. I can feel a warm smile spread over my face, and hear him let out a laugh: he was watching me. Tangled up in him, I feel free and secure at the same time. No more bondage for me, no more depression. But that’s not how love always was.
The last person I loved ripped me apart. For two and a half years, I had been practically living a lie with Holden. He told me he loved me, he swore it would be forever, and we spent more time together than we did with anyone else. He made me feel safe, comfortable. After he left, I found out many secrets he harbored, things he had done, things he had said, just everything no girl ever needs to hear about the man who she thought loved her. I went through a long time of despair; the downward slide into depression was a daily battle. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I didn’t know how to piece my life back together. My friends helped, but they couldn’t quite grasp just how lost I was. I felt so alone.
I had talked with Brendan lots of times online. He had gone through some tough times when he moved here four years ago and I had tried to help out with that as much as I could. When Holden and I ended, Brendan was there for me. He made me smile and laugh for the few moments that I did. Over the summer, we talked a lot, and started seeing each other in person. He was one of my best friends. I wanted to prove to myself that I could be independent and that I didn’t need a man to take care of me. But mainly, I was scared to trust anyone again, because I felt I wouldn’t give them a fair chance and they would leave like Holden did when things got rough.
I still remember the night that my life practically turned around. I realized that life did not depend on whether Holden was thinking about me, or whether he would miss me and want to return someday. I realized I did not even romantically love Holden any longer, I simply felt I needed him because I had been with him for so long that it felt natural. All these realizations took place in one evening with Brendan.
He came over to my house after I had finished my homework. We did the normal “go out for dinner” date, but the conversation we had was not normal. We talked about both of our pasts. He already knew most of mine, and I knew parts of his, but to talk about it openly with someone was refreshing and healing. He explained his view of things in a few simple sentences that made me want to cry. “I've liked you ever since we first met. We've been close for a long time; I can trust you with anything even if it meant helping me when I was in another relationship. That really meant a lot to me. You're attractive, funny, smart, and goofy; everything I've wanted and even more that I hadn't thought about and when I'm with you, everything feels like it's in place. It's like I was supposed to move here so I could be with you. You're the most important person in my life.” We went on a walk later and he kept reassuring me about everything. He was allowing me to be completely myself. My eyes began to have that luster in them again that had been missing for so long. My smile was brighter and wider. I was enjoying myself. There have been so many days like that first one, and I am amazed at how I have grown and developed in the short time we’ve spent together. Brendan enjoys being with my family, going out and being active, and being just…happy. This was a complete turn around. When he left that night, he kissed me. From then on, we have been inseparable.
I’ve been through the falling in love phase. I’ve been through the “everything is perfect, or so it seems” phase. I’ve been through the “everything’s falling to shambles and he’s giving up” phase. I’m ready for a new beginning.
When Brendan plays the guitar, I feel hope. When he smiles, I smile. But it’s not because I’m with him simply, it’s because I am filled with joy to be with someone who’s happy to be with me as well. I finally understand what love is all about. It’s about being happy with who you are first, then being able to share that with another human.
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041013
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