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u24
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i just feel so deflated. like my life has no meaning at the moment. i have plans, but everything seems like it's so far off. i don't even know if that's the right way to express it. i'm not looking for solace in blather, just need somewhere to collect my emotions. people normally say "collect my thoughts" but my thoughts are fairly clear most of the time, it's emotion that really confuses me. on the other hand, i know that i get in moods like this and then within a few days everything is OK again. i say ok because it's rarely better than ok. I am a melodramatist at times though. woe is me and all that. I looked forward so much to coming back to uni so I could finally start working on interesting things again, both in philosophy and IT. And it's not like either are boring in the least; all my modules this year are promising to be really interesting, it's just that I can't get motivated. I think going away for a week when I've just started isn't helping. I know I'll be fine after that but in my current mood i start asking questions like "when I'm not in this mood, am i just ignoring the deeper problems?" am i? who knows. should I think about it too much? definately not. I know what happens when I do and it really is a downward spiral, but is the journey worth taking if it means I'll never have to suffer it again? I'll rephrase: I think the journey is worth taking if it means I'll never have to suffer it again. The real questions are: "Is there an end to the journey once embarked upon" and "If I do it once will I have to again". I think I already know the answer. at least, I have some information about it, it's not a total unknown. I did go right down and I did come out 'better' (as if 'better' means 'fixed'), but here I am now consciously contemplating letting myself go. before I had no choice. well maybe I did, but I didn't make the choice. Perhaps I need to face it again. perhaps I'm doing fine but with the occasional slip. like now. fleh.
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061011
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