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cant even
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WHY DO YOU DO NOTHING??
WHY ARE YOU DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME?
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG ABOUT YOUR MINDSET?
you feel defeated before you even try
you give up on things immediately
ARE YOU AFRAID?
you always feel tired and unmotivated, yet you linger on the cusp half-assing everything, never reaching rock-bottom so as to shake your dumb ass out of this stupid funk. you stay less than in the middle, slightly less than content, just right below average so you don't REALLY have to deal with it.
FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. YOU ARE DYING.
you feel like you've aged 5 years in the last 6 months.
you look like shit. you're soft. you're so soft. perma-frown. shitty hair and hygiene. skinny-fat. you have no control over anything but your video games and jerk off habits. you have no plan FOR ANYTHING.
WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP? is jeremy gonna fix it? viagra? dad? some unknown girl that you keep waiting to show up at your doorstep? maybe one day everything will magically align and you'll be young, desirable, brilliant and hilarious again. MAYBE NOT.
IS THIS A MID-LIFE CRISIS? i work with all these kids again. it's getting depressing. i'm old but nobody looks up to me. you're a fucking joke.
i can barely look at myself in the mirror.
i won't kill myself, ever. so suicide isn't an option. with that knowledge, shouldn't i be trying a little harder, considering this is my one chance at life? shouldn't i be doing everything i've ever wanted because there's no point in not trying.
it's an issue of organization.
I LACK ORGANIZATION SKILLS. i have the right ideas, they just fade and disappear. then i have to find them again and get excited about them.
WRITE SHIT DOWN. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO ORGANIZE.
otherwise life is fog or chaos. goals, thoughts to keep at the top.
what do you want? love. intimacy. a girlfriend again. someone cool to hang out with and talk with and hug, kiss, fuck, snuggle and share my life with again. it seems pretty simple to want that. i think a lot of girls would want that. i think i have no idea what girls want.
i feel afraid or hesitant to give myself any credit. sometimes i feel strongly about myself otherwise i feel like a hopeless, idiotic, clueless, waste of space piece of shit.
AM I GOING TO WORK OUT OR PAINT TONIGHT?
i think about it all day and never do it. hey fuckface, the dishes are piling up. i've walked through my kitchen for a week and a half and i look at the sink and turn away as quickly as i turn away from the mirror when i see myself.
so, all i want is a girlfriend apparently. working out, painting, doing dishes is all a kind of self-improvement to make me seem or feel more attractive to women. i don't feel anything inside. no desire for myself. no intellectual motivations. no desire to overcome my state or break new ground.
LIFE IS FUCKING HARD.
shit is rough now. every conversation is a struggle. wait, hyperbole is setting in which means i'm full of shit. i'm not speaking truthfully. there is hope, I DO HAVE A FEW GOOD MOMENTS. i laugh periodically at funny shit. i played tennis the other night, went on a date, friends text me, eating ok. it might be half-assed, but it's something. BUT SO COMPLACENT! IT IS NOT ENOUGH, DUDE.
you need to either hit rock-bottom or reach for the stars.
IN BETWEEN, THERE IS NO GROWTH.
so go fucking run. lift some weights. eat some healthy food. shower, supplement, trim your pubes for fuck's sake, listen to something chill and go to sleep.
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