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things are harder and lonelier now because of the pandemic, but it's more than that. we talked before about feeling used when people go hot and cold; how it seems like when you need something from me, you're really present and communicative, and when you don't anymore, you pull away. you said that it wasn't intentional and you thought of it like a natural ebb and flow of conversation. you did admit that we don't have a normal friendship.
over the past two years, i've gone through periods where i've been able to put you out of my mind, or at least not at the forefront anymore, and got involved with a couple of other people i liked. but those things didn't work, and my thoughts always turn back to you.
we started talking again regularly over the pandemic, which i was hesitant about but allowed myself to do because of the weird times. you poured on the attention and affection more than you had since we were together. you wanted to video chat for hours, often on consecutive nights. you said you'd probably slept better because you talked to me right before bed. you said a magical world couldn't exist without me in it. you called me delightful and adorable and other nice things. you called me often, even when you were busy, once telling me you'd gotten off the phone with another friend to call me. you told me you wanted to travel with me and have me be there with you. you were supportive and helpful and interested and appreciative. and i know you well enough to know you were sincere in all this. it almost felt like we were together again. i tried my hardest not to get attached, but who was i kidding?
and then came the inevitable pulling away that i'd foolishly hoped wasn't inevitable. you texted less and called less, and when i brought that up, you told me i could also reach out when i wanted to talk. fair enough. so i tried that a few times, but one time you'd decided to do something else, another time you got caught up with work and didn't let me know, another time you'd forgotten and missed my message. i tried to talk to you about it once and you were tired and just went to bed, and it was never brought up again. you're much less responsive, and barely text me at all now. i don't know what's going on with you—there's no way for me to, because you don't tell me—and maybe there's something causing this behaviour (maybe the new anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds play a part?), but to me it feels like someone who was like my best friend just flicking a switch and not caring anymore. a switch that goes from emotionally available to unavailable (emotional_off_switch?); hot to cold; interest to dismissiveness. this is worse than when you broke up with me, because at least then you clearly were confused but still cared, and reached out after to see how i was doing. now it just feels like dr. jekyll disappeared and mr. hyde took his place.
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