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endless desire
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i just kind of sit staring at the recent page and wondering where i fit in and where to begin about how i feel and what's going on. how my world is melting and how i haven't been to school in a month. that was always the most important thing to me and now i can't even get up for it. i feel so lazy...so very very lazy. but i do the work they send home and i get up every morning and get dress just like i was going somewhere.
there were days that blue pages set me free...i wanted to disappear in the words and create beautiful pictures on the screen. but now words can't express what i feel or what i want to say and i just wish that every person here was sitting right in front of me. id give everyone lemonade or hot chocolate or ice water and listen to you guys talk and meet. and then i'd join in and find someone who was approachable and talk their ears off because that's what i do.
but i just feel so alone staring at the recent page and the colours and the way they blend. blather can't make me feel unlonely, no matter how hard i feel. i don't even like email anymore. the internet isn't enough. i need people in front of me. i want to read their reactions and the little things everyone does that you usually don't notice unless you've had one month to sit and think about life and how people react. i have so much time and my mind wanders and it never shuts off.
around and around and around.
and there are those moments when i lose it.
and reality doesn't exist
and i don't exist
you dont exist
no one does
but they have pills to fix this too.
they have pills to solve everything.
i used to never take any medicine
i really don't like it anymore...
so many pills
and i wonder what happens
when you mix them all together
or take them out of order
or not at all.
i hate all the reactions
and the switching and the raising
and the questions
all the questions.
so now im just staring at the recent page. or i press 'go' again and again. and again and again. unhinged seems to be one of the most common ones i see. i was so surprised. and people with names that start with A's. amy, annie, aimee. on and on. but i still feel so alone and no one can change that. not these people around me because i can't feel their touch. i hear words but they fade far away in the back of my mind like some cheap old cassettes i used to have. cassettes. the tape just goes around, spitting words out that i can barely hear. speak a little louder, scream if you must. because if you don't, then it seems i'll have to.
hold_me help_me see_me know_me be_me
so i don't have to be myself at all.
blue pages bring little comfort when the only sound you hear is the whirl of the computer and distant cards wizzing by outside.
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040112
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