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unhinged
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and mostly i'm struggling to keep them that way, like a stubborn shade that won't come down to block out the sun, an old window that won't shut after it's been opened. some nights the only rest i can get is closing my eyes without actually sleeping. when i close my eyes, all these memories race across the back of my eyelids. a film projector endlessly full, i can't fall asleep. it takes more than one night to replay a life's events. sometimes, i would like to nail my eyes shut, self-imposed sleep. it doesn't come. i toss and turn, cover my head with my cuddle pillow so that even when my eyes are open it will be dark and maybe the pattern of my pillowcase can lull me to sleep. things being so tarnished between us, all i have now is the memories replaying on the backs of my eyelids. even when i'm idle, i cannot rest.
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050126
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